I have long COVID

And the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. And I'm on the spectrum, which means I have an "extreme male brain" and can barely talk to other girls. After I got sick I overnight aged fifteen years and hit "the wall" in terms of looks at 24, so guys will most likely have an involuntary disgust response to me now. I probably can't ever be financially stable. I probably shouldn't ever have kids. If I ever found a guy like my ex-boyfriend and told him the truth, others would say he could do better. But I doubt I'd be able to attract someone like that again in the first place. In general my life is just truly shit.

I recently told a third friend about my illness but it only made me feel worse. I don't want to tell any more but if I don't everyone will probably find out anyway. I see myself in the future being one of the new lepers. A social outcast not only in whatever circle I used to occupy but in the whole world. I think I'm going to die in 5 to 10 years. I know that the virus will never completely go, and I know that it's not natural. It's likely that harboring something like this will eventually lead to cancer. How can life really get so bad?

I sincerely have nothing to look forward to and would be dead already if not for laziness, spite, and slight curiosity. My old life dissipated in the matter of a week. I can't recreate it without my mind and the demeanor brought by decent looks and prospects. When you're no longer pretty, people won't be interested anymore, so you'll stop being attracted back outwards where everything has become off limits or hostile. You have to disappear, if you're not equipped for family. I feel myself being pushed towards the underworld where my face belongs.

When I walk down the street, everyone is better off than me. Even the homeless man sitting on the ground is better off than me, because he sits without a likely-genetically engineered disease trapped in his body for life. He can go somewhere else, but I can't escape my body unless I commit suicide. Even in death, I don't get to go somewhere else where everything's okay, only cease to perceive. I have the lowest status now. People get off on scorning the weak, and now that whole social economy comes at my expense 9 times out of 10. I have no pocket ace. Almost everyone is better than me. And since most of the time you can only maintain stable close relationships that are equal in status, my situation has gotten so bad that I'm no longer eligible for friends unless I lie.