How do I (F26) ask my husband (M28) if I’m reverting into toxic ways when talking to him?

I grew up in a bad way and inherited many toxic traits that I’m not proud of. I am at a point in my life where I don’t use my past an excuse anymore or hide behind my mental illness. I often like the phrase “it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation” to both let the person in talking with know as well as solidify in my own mind that it’s not an excuse.

That being said I have in the past been a bitter and cruel person to my husband. There was a time where our relationship was basically a PSA for abusive relationships (not physical) on both sides. We argued a lot and threw blame at each other. We nearly crumbled and lost it. Idk how we did it but after a long while it was like a switch was flipped.

We started communicating better. Started owning up to our mistakes. Lately I’ve been encouraging my husband to call me out. I know I’ll get defensive and angry now, but I know if he keeps reminding me eventually I’ll be able to see it myself and stop using it.

A few things I have to work on are gaslighting and communication errors. Gaslighting is my biggest pill to swallow. I thought getting over my pride and saying “I was wrong” was hard, this one is terrible. Not because I like it but because I do it without thinking about it. It’s horrible and I’m absolutely ashamed.

However, lately when I try to convey when I’m feeling something it’s been turning into fights and jabs about my sanity. I honestly don’t think he realizes he’s jabbing at my mental health. Recently I have been super paranoid(too much media, I’m cutting myself back) and it’s making my insomnia nearly unbearable. Which has wrecked my sleep cycle. Also about to get my tubes removed and I’m worried about surgery.

And unfortunately I still gaslight here and there without even realizing it so the argument will always start out with

“Hey, I just wanted you to know that XYZ hurt my feelings and this is why”. Sometimes it doesn’t come out right but I always try to be as gentle as possible. It doesn’t always work out that way do to my awesome brain and the way I word things sometimes. Like I said it’s not an excuse as I should think over things before saying them, but simply an explanation.

I feel that lately arguments have been dissolving so badly that I’m regressing into my toxic ways and I'm so scared. Just in this last week I've heard You're gaslighting me. a few times, and that Im playing the victim a few times.

Been trying to start with things like (Hey XYZ made me feel like this and I want to talk about it) and even that doesn't work which tells me I’m unfortunately being overly aggressive or dismissive. The last two times it went from me seeking comfort to me feeling like I’m the one in the wrong. It’s making me resent him as he is the only adult interaction I get since I’m a stay at home mom with two kids under three. I know this is stepping into dangerous territory being resentment in a relationship.

How do I ask if I'm regressing without turning it into a fight? I’ve stopped and thought about my feelings before talking to my husband, but what are ways I can improve so that it doesn’t come across as an attack?

Any advice is appreciated. He’s a good man and he deserves a wife who is good to him back.