I think I have a problem with food

I do this thing where I'll have the urge to eat and eat and eat and its not because I'm hungry or I'm obsessed with controlling the amount of food I eat. It's just something triggers me and I have to eat and then afterwards I feel so much shame and guilt and I can pin point every reason why I'm ugly and unlovable and don't deserve the dirt beneath my feet. My skin feels gross and disgusting and I take up too much room existing.

I'm overweight and any attempts at something like a caloroe defecit or a fasting day feel almost painful. Like it's unbearable. I eat less than i used to and i have lost weight but its genuinely hard for me to tell what weight I'm at, if I'm gaining or losing. During my childhood my mother was borderline obsessed with my weight and pointed out heavier women on the street telling me that if I didn't get my act together I'd look like them. Whenever people would call me attractive it was always "you'd be so much prettier/beautiful if you lost weight." I got this from my friends and family. When people would tell me "I looked like I lost some weight" my mum would always smell me in private that I hadn't they were just being nice. So I basically feel like anyone complimenting me is lying through their teeth and that I cant lose weight. I can't even look at videos about weight/weight loss without feeling like utter garbage.