Rant

Idk who to talk to I am so alone right now, I have friends and people around me but I’m so fucking alone. None of my friends are queer I live in a rural little town in buttfuck nowhere and I’m alone. My moms been ignoring me today, she seems annoyed by just being around me if I try to talk to her she scowls at me and finds an excuse for me to leave her alone. We used to be close when I was a kid but now where not, I haven’t even came out to her (again) and I can’t imagine how much worse it will get. I’m not allowed to go to therapy becuse last time my therapist “influenced” me to think I was trans and she won’t let me go back to see anyone, I’m so tired I just want everything to be done I wish I had the guts to just kill myself but I won’t becuse I’m terrified of my mother finding out about my if I’m dead. I don’t know who I am I just feel like a shell of a person and I don’t see myself ever getting better. I’m so fucking tired. Lately her big jab has been about my weight. You’d feel better if you lost weight, you’d be happier if you exercised more. I have a stomach bug and she told me maybe I should just get up and do something. For background I am 5,5 and 180 pounds and I have chronic back and joint pain (we arnt sure why still hoping some more blood work will help) I can’t do very much physical activity without major consequences and she makes me feel liek shit for it. If I eat around her tells me to portion and if I portion I need to eat something healthier. I’ve taken to just eating at night or when she’s asleep so she leaves me alone. She thinks all my problems can be fixed with vitamins and medicine, I’ve been on 3 different antidepressants all having side effects, this one gives me horrible twitches and makes me paranoid she won’t believe me, it’s well you haven’t taken it long enough or well you shouldn’t have stopped taking it. I don’t have a job And she tells me dialy I wouldn’t be able to make it alone, I’m not prepared enough. She yells at me if I don’t keep the house clean while she sits on her ass, I’ve been her parent my whole life. The other day she told me “when you were little it was like having a grown child” and she holds that over me, if I don’t stay in line and do exactly what’s expected or just completely leave her alone it’s my fault and I’m acting out. When I come out it will be a disgrace to god and I need to get back on my medicine I will get over it. I will never be able to be myself I’m public ever and I don’t know if I want to deal with that.