I feel like an idiot every time a repeat myself and my family ignores my cry for help.

Every time they ask me Why are you depressed? I'll give them answer and for them it's never enough, never a good reason to be sad. Every time I scream You never listen to me!!! They act surprised. If that would have been true, I wouldn't be still taking stronger meds every two months. I'm trying to feel better, do better, but im sooo tired all the time. I don't have the energy doing it alone and it's getting lower the longer I feel miserable. They make me feel stupid, childish, not worthy, useless.... I'm fucking 20! Not a child nor a functioning "adult" bc of them. I was trying asking for help from multiple people. It got worse and all of it is MY FAULT. MY DECISION. MY PROBLEMS, MY LIFE ... They make me feel bad for opening my mouth and talk about my health. Feels like I'm just annoying. Now every fucking time I try to speak up about my problems and feelings I get really anxious, my eyes get watery and I stutter a lot and I forget how words work. It's like im paralyzed. It's like that even when I write it, like right now I would silently cry but the meds are making me not to. It angers me a little that I can't properly express my feelings when I want to. Family will scream at me for crying and making fun of it and then have the audacity to ask over and over again wHy ARe yUo SaD Hmmmm....???? I will scream-crying at them back giving them The Fucking Answer and it's always the same result all over again and I'm starting to smash my head against the wall way more often. (I don't slam my head hard im just tapping my forehead against the wood. I don't like headaches and dont feel like having it bc of their stupidity) I had many therapies and all doctors had the same answer. Only this year 2021 I got officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression disorder. The meds im taking made me looking only more dead inside and angry, but prevents me from crying. Like I had a hard time to feel sad at funeral Wtf, but when actually something broke me in to a ugly crying weeping goblin it's hard to stop

How can I make them finally listen? Why is mental health for older generation like a joke. As depressed sad being I can see that my mum who makes fun of me, is sad in her life too, but these adults don't want to talk about feelings. They never do and their children must suffer for it and feel weak.