don't live with a couple no matter how well you know them. just don't.

cw: abuse, su*cidal ideation, self harm, relationships, abandonment
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I was diagnosed nearly a year ago on my birthday with BPD and PTSD, cPTSD. my relationship was in shambles despite how hard i tried to make it work. i have been doing therapy for most of my life, so i have developed this sense of self awareness that's probably better than most. i have worked on recognizing my triggers and reactions and non violent communication. but i was wrecked from a job that i had to leave that was toxic. i now know that i was going in and out of psychosis through 2019 and 2020, and i just did not have the emotional capacity for anything (i barely do right now). i tried so hard to find help, and i have been continually left hanging and/or ghosted by mental health professionals. when i told my partner, who i was living with, of my diagnosis, his response was to tell me he wanted to break up. he had assured me throughout my disability that he wanted to support me. but he failed to do any of the required legwork to make that happen and then accused me of being lazy. he refused to help me in the ways that i asked. my particular flavor of BPD is quiet, and i was quite stoic most of the time, but did my best to communicate how i was feeling and what my needs were. still, i lacked the tools to do much else and his prejudices around mental health became quite clear when i wasn't progressing on his arbitrary timeline. there was a lot of anger tears through gritted teeth as i struggled on a regular basis to call him out for shaming me about having emotions, gaslighting, failing to do tasks around the apartment, etc.

i really had no where to go. i haven't been able to work for 2.5 years now. funds are sparse. i wound up reconnecting with my best friend from high school last summer, and she offered to let me live with her and her husband while i got back on my feet. we have worked through so much of our shit together, and our relationship was very good. we were able to communicate with each other fairly and effectively. we were able to resolve issues where we triggered each other.

while she has offered support in some meaningful ways, there has been this level of instability that i can't get around and has had a significant impact on my ability to function day to day. her husband is incredibly narcissistic and has a lot of shit to work on. his level of self awareness is zero, and she and i both have done a lot of emotional labor for him (her moreso, of course). ironically, she is a forensic psychologist with a focus in personality disorders. i thought this would be great because she understands so much of what i am going through, and has a lot of compassion for me. but throughout i have struggled these past 8 months to feel safe and comfortable in his presence, despite having known him for 15 years. hell, i was the maid of honor in their wedding. but there are things i just can't unsee now that i have lived with him.

since i moved in, the fighting has been pretty regular and toxic. he threatens divorce nearly every time, and then she comes to me for emotional support after spending hours and hours doing emotional labor for him, only for him to turn around and lash out again days later. it has been this way for so so long, pretty much their entire relationship. i did have a trial period of about 6 weeks before i decided to pack up all my shit and move across 2 states to get here, and it was successful, which makes all of this so much harder to deal with. i had to set some hard boundaries that have for the most part been honored, but not always entirely. there have been periods of peace, which was a contributor to me staying as long as i did. i worked very hard to state my needs and be respectful, while also being firm with my boundaries. but there was always this sense that he had power over me in our interactions and that in and of itself is triggering. i have been in and out of toxic relationships my entire adulthood, and dealt with an unstable toxic home life as a child, so watching this play out in front of me just made things even harder and triggered me so much.

last week she had enough and threw him out of the house. this is the first time this has happened, so it seemed pretty significant. but each day, he has continued to text her and come over to the house under false pretenses. he has blatantly ignored my shut door boundary multiple times through this ordeal and has put me in very uncomfortable positions (not physically, but still enough to make me feel uncomfortable/angry at best, and scared to the point of breakdowns and anxiety spirals at worst). i really struggle with the fawning trauma response in particular, so often times i have opened the door to his knocking even when i really didn't want to. he has gaslighted and lashed out at both of us on a number of occasions.

through the week since she threw him out, i have been supporting her, to the detriment of my own health. i struggle to assert my own boundaries so much. i have been encouraging her decision to make him live separately for a while. i even supported her when she said she didn't want to get divorced just yet and give him a 6 month observation period to see significant positive change. every day she has been reneging on a lot of the things she has been telling me. it's clear she was ignoring her own boundaries, and she even admitted that herself. i did my best to remind her of the reasons she threw him out. but last night she brought him home without telling me (despite me being very clear about how i didn't feel safe or comfortable around him, and needed a heads up when he was coming over so i could make myself scarce), and he ended up staying the night. it's becoming so clear to me how much of a blind spot she has for him, despite her self awareness around his toxic bullshit. y'all, folks with a doctorate in psychology are absolutely not immune to cognitive dissonance.

last night i could not sleep for many hours, and i sent a text to our group chat telling him i felt extremely uncomfortable around him and requested that he not knock on my door anymore. i wanted her to see this too, hence why i sent it to them both, so he could not twist it around later. i also texted her separately to tell her i was upset that she had put me into this position with little regard for my feelings and totally without my consent. the next morning i got a response from him in the group text saying he was moving back in. he did not offer an apology, just skirted around the issue like he usually does. i was so triggered that i had to fight the urge to go into the kitchen, grab a knife, and slit my wrists in front of both of them. oh how i really really wanted both of them to see me doing this. it took so much for me to not give into that urge.

i strongly told her my feelings about all of this via text. some of it was lashing out, and i owned that and apologized. in the end, i told her i was moving out, and activating my contingency plan; my final soft place for me to land before i turn to homelessness and mental hospitals. i told her that being alone in the house with him all day while he worked in the room next to mine made me feel extremely unsafe.

so now i am making arrangements to move. again. i am escaping yet another toxic situation. and i know i have done my best, but i feel like a failure. i have made the best decisions i can make and have owned my mistakes. but i still can't help but feel as though i am the problem no matter where i go. it feels so discouraging. she was one of my few secure attachments as i am estranged from my entire family, (except my brother, but he lives across the country) and it has been severely damaged. i guess my anxious-avoidant attachment style emerges victorious once again.

i blocked her husband on all social media. i left our group text. i blocked his number. this is partially because he has been aggressive over text to our mutual friends, and also so i don't give into my urge to tell him how much of a piece of shit he is.

i have had so little support the past few months. i have felt incredibly isolated, especially when i had to give up my car in april. i keep losing personal freedoms over and over. the people i have turned to for support in the past are all going through their own crises right now. i feel more and more isolated. and i can't be in a house where i don't feel safe enough to leave my own room, much less exist within it. it took me 6 months to be able to even refer to it as MY room. to refer to the house as "home". the concept of home is just so painful. i have tried to make a home for myself in so many ways. in the end it always falls apart. i have also struggled to feel worthy of help, that i am not a burden on those around me. i have struggled to assure myself that i deserve to live in a safe place, and this just isn't anymore. i am so devastated and deeply sad. i am grateful to be on medication that helps my emotions be less intense, but even now they feel so intense.

i begged my service coordinator to help me find a dbt program and a therapist. her previous response was to send me psychology today links and tell me to "keep advocating for myself". i can't tell you how many times i have had mental health professionals tell me this. i am advocating for myself! that's why i'm here! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT ME TO DO. she has left me hanging for almost 3 weeks now.

now i have to start all over again. i'm so tired. i am weary to my very core.

i don't really know what the purpose of this post was, i suppose screaming into the void is about all i have right now. thanks for reading. i don't know what i would do without this community.