2 months clean but wanna relapse

I’m so close to just cutting because I got misgendered by a stranger while at subway which makes my brain just bring up thoughts about how I don’t look masculine enough. I know since I’m playing Scar in the Lion King Jr I will probably have to show my arms but honestly Idc I just want to be able to bring back one of the only coping mechanisms that actually made me less sad for the time being. I hate waiting it out. Talking to friends doesn’t really help and I’m close to being back to the level of depression I was back in April. And I can’t cry because it’s hard to for me. It also doesn’t help that I’m on my period so I’m really dysphoric. Once I break my streak I won’t feel like I have to keep it anymore.