I miss me.

I’m in my early twenties and I’ve begun missing who I was as a teenager. In every aspect of my life. I was athletic, now I’ve “let myself go”. I was outgoing, now I’m an introvert. I loved being in love, I haven’t dated since I was 18. I used to enjoy my life, now I don’t even care about it. I used to love hanging out with friends, I’d rather stay home with the dogs. I’m tired. I don’t know if something is physically wrong with me or if I’ve been making myself sick for months because I don’t want to leave my camper. Yeah, I live in a fucking camper. I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know what trauma finally made me give up on myself. I hate it, I hate who I am now. I miss my younger self, my happy self. The girl who threw herself into love and enjoyed every second of it. She was beautiful and didn’t even know it. I don’t know if my younger me would be okay with who I am now or completely disappointed. I’ve always been the wild child, so she might’ve actually been okay with it. I just wish I could talk to her once, just give her some advice or something. Tell her not to go to college. To follow her heart. Trust herself. Holy shit, I would do anything to go back in time and tell her to trust herself. Now here I am, 23 and alone. Going to therapy every week to try and undo the damage I’ve caused. I’m trying so hard to get her back, but is she still there? Are my wounds too deep? Am I just going to bleed out trying to stitch myself back together?