not diagnosed nor am i interested in getting diagnosed i just need to vent

i had such a shit birthday this year and my mental health has declined since. i didn’t want to celebrate but my dad insisted so i compromised with lunch at a restaurant. the week leading up to my bd was filled with so much anxiety, i didn’t want to go eat and talk to people. i knew i was gonna feel alone if i had a party but i didn’t expect to feel alone eating lol. i didn’t invite any friends cuz i don’t have any so my dad invited his friends and a few other relatives. keep in mind i came to live with my dad in 2019, didn’t see his side of the family for over 7 years. i don’t know these people and i don’t care to. i sat there trying to force myself to eat (btw we were eating korean bbq and i usually love it but lately eating meat has been an issue for me.) i get nauseous eating meat or just thinking about eating it. i’m considering becoming vegan because of it. anyways my appetite that week was completely gone, i ate at most 2 meals a day. i drink water to substitute not eating whatever i didn’t want to eat. somehow in my mind it justifies not eating since water=healthy. now it’s been a few days after my bd and im trying to eat again but part of me WANTS to stave myself. i have no body image issues in fact i don’t like being skinny. i workout to build muscle around my legs so that i don’t appear like a stick. i’ve always been called skinny and i fucking hate it. why do ppl point out something I ALREADY KNOW. i’m currently starving myself and i don’t know what to do anymore. im so miserable and sad. everytime i feel like i’m getting better something gets in the way and i fall apart. also i haven’t been smoking, stopping for a few days until my dealer is back in cali. i wake up sweating, have trouble sleeping, anxiety has increased and now a possible eating disorder?? i’ve stopped a few times to fix my tolerance and the withdrawals were manageable but this week was a terrible week to be sober.