Day 7 - anger, frustration but seeing a way out

I do feel good for entering my first week in recovery, but I have been here before. One thing that is different this time around I feel is that all my emotions are out in the open and I'm starting to understand them more. Everytime I used to quit before it was just to "quit" without looking at my defects of character, or rather suppressing all my emotions inside.

This time, things feel different because I'm going through so many emotions, and most of them are anger and frustration. At the moment someone is smashing weights in my unit block and making so much noise that my head is cracking. The only thoughts that have come to mind are that I should already be living in a house if it wasn't for my gambling, and its my own fault for dealing with it now. The wife was doing exercises in the unit and making a lot of noise and it was causing me a lot of frustration too, and I just feel like a loose cannon at the moment thinking that any small thing is going to make me crack the shits. I've just put my headphones on and started playing some music to get my headspace out of that. I already told my wife if I act out today, to not worry about it and that I'm just going through shit. She's very understanding.

I can feel my addiction trying to grip me, the sadness from last week seems to have subsided and now the emotions are leaning towards anger, frustration, resentment and boredom. All of this feels like my addiction is screaming to get fed. In the past I would use relaxation techniques or watch some motivational videos / listen to people like Alan Watts to calm me down but I don't want to this time. I'd rather the emotions sit out here in the open and let them pass or work through the ones that don't want to leave.

Some good things that have happened are that I've paid off the debt to my business because I got paid from my regular job, which has made me feel good. I've still got some immediate debts to work through to some close mates and to PayPal. The business will pay dividends shortly as well, and with that I can pay off one of my mates completely. It's tax return season here as well so once I get my return from my business and work, I can pay off my other friend and PayPal. This will clear all my immediate debts and this will all be possible within the next 2-3 weeks (Definitely by the end of July). That'll just leave me with my bank loans which aren't pressing because they're monthly payments. I definitely want to pay them off earlier, but they aren't immediate debts so I can calm down when I enter that phase.

I've made such a mess of myself because of my gambling and other addictions, its insane what my body is going through now and my head. I never thought it would be possible that there was this much stuff seeping under the cracks. No wonder I was starting to lose my shit and felt like ending it all. I'm in a much better headspace now and the only thing on my mind is recovery, my family and getting on top of it all again. I'm starting to feel like there's a future as long as I stay close to my support groups. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my therapist for the first time. I hope he's good and works for me, but even if he isnt' I will find one that is and I won't find an excuse to stop.

I just want to take a small timeout and thank this entire subreddit. I never thought journaling would be so useful in my recovery. Documenting my emotions instead of them just coming in and out of my head has done wonders I never expected. All your words of encouragement mean so much to me, the upvotes and everything. I can really feel the energy of this subreddit and I know that all of us brothers and sisters are in this together. Let's keep supporting each other to work through this disease and get our lives back in order. Throwing love and strength at everyone's way! Let's do this!

With how deep I've gone, I've accepted that recovery is going to be part of my daily life, for a very very long time, and possibly the rest of my life. But I'm ok with that. What's a few hours of my week, in order to live a happy, fulfilled life?