I forget to forget

I just don't want to think about it, any of it. I'm a shitty brother, son, grandson, and what hurts the most, I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad person for feeling like being a good friend is more important than being a good brother. Maybe not "important" but it takes priority and I know why. My family drama drove a wedge between myself and everyone else. It wasn't even MY drama, it shouldn't have been family drama either, but my mom got with an absolute peace of human trash. He drove my aunts away from me with lies, manipulated my mom into taking his side, even when his side was getting my sisters to hate me just so they can love him. They're too young to remember, and if one of them does it really damaged her, but they hated him, and he didn't care, not until I used it against him, then he turned my little sisters against me. At some point I gave up trying with them, now that they're a bit older I should make an effort with them, but the cuts run deep and I can't handle it. When I look at them I just see their dad. He did so much that I still won't talk about, and no one will ever know how shitty he is. But I shouldn't take it out on them, none of its their fault... I just wish I was strong enough to move past it, but I get nightmares about my childhood still. It hurts so I don't think about it, in a way I forget after a while, but every now and then I forget to forget and I find myself back here. Hating myself and wishing I could just be someone else, and I lose myself a little more every single day.