How to recovery from my nMom - self image & paranoia

Image: My mom has always been a narc and she’s controlling, violent and will do anything to benefit herself or make herself look ‘successful.’ Anyway, when I was a teen, maybe like 14 yrs old, my mom put me on this weird diet that I knew was fucked up but there was nothing I could do about it. It was 500 calories a day and inserting some shit called ECG or something in your thighs every other day. As a 14 yr old, I didn’t know what was right or wrong because my life has always been a bunch of stimuli and I never really had an inner voice or reflection. So, my confidence bloomed when I dropped a lot of weight and my mom gave me praise even though my body was absolutely fucked by this. All of this to say that I’ve never had to develop a ‘self’ and all of my worth was derived from losing weight so I’m constantly disappointed in what I look like or not confident because I don’t meet my unrealistic expectations of what I should look like. Any tips for getting better?

Paranoia: My mom blows up at everything and get crazy out of one thing being done slightly out of what she prefers. I think what fucked me up the most about it is that she would randomly wake us up throughout the night and relitagate a fight or start one and because of this im always prefacing things or apologizing or not saying what I want to because, im assuming, that I don’t want to piss anyone off or make people hate me. The reason I say assume in that last sentence is because I never actually feel that emotional or have that thought when I do those things but think it is happening subconsciously. How do I stop being paranoid and be direct, not apologize for things I don’t need to & say what’s on my mind?