i given up on life

i officially made my mind up that i had given up in life and the biggest thing that set me off other than all the shitty things already happening normally is that i lost my girlfriend of 4 years that i loved more than i could put into words (and idk if i can love like that again). now this has happened about 4 months ago and i wanted to see if its just grief and if there's anything still out there. but in that time everyone who said they would help me though this abandoned me and i don't blame them because there's nothing anyone can do it seems. when everyone said it gets better for me it just got worse and the breakdowns just get uglier and more often.. ever since then i've been fantasizing about killing myself and it would involve me waiting a few years so i'm able get a firearm (i don't want to survive any attempts making my life worse) and be away from the ones who would be traumatized.... but i guess waiting is the hardest part in this,

idk the purpose of posting this i doubt some miracle will make me happy by doing so and i'm not the one to ask for pity maybe i'm just trying to get rid of this unbearable pain long enough to leave this cursed world....