Few things in life are more exciting, energizing and passionate than the early stages of a new relationship. From first attraction to getting to know someone new to reciprocating interest, things seem to escalate quickly as we are caught up in the feeling of wanting someone and being wanted. Polyamorous and Non-monogamous relationships raise a unique and yet inevitable question:

How do we manage intense feelings of attraction for a “new” person, while also maintaining our current relationship(s)?

I am a psychologist with my Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and have been in a non-monogamous relationship for the better part of a decade! In this brief guide, I hope to mention a few things that you may want to consider as you dive head first into the exciting and uncharted territory of new relationships. Let’s get exploring!

DISCLAIMER*. There are a few different vocabulary words that I will use largely interchangeably: “Having a Crush”, “Infatuation”, “Honeymoon Phase”, “New Relationship Energy”, “Limerence” and many more. For the sake of simplicity and keeping this relatively brief, we will talk about all of them as though they are synonymous. Note that they may have differences in meaning and specificity when used in other settings. Context is the cousin of consent, so be mindful on how you apply some of this very general information :D.*

EDIT: MORE DISCLAIMERS!? Why yes; this guide also attempts to cover a wide umbrella of potential non-monogamous arrangements. There will of course be nuances based on your own background and relationship-orientation. Strongly encourage that you take what reminders are helpful and leave what does not apply to you. :D

What is “Infatuation”?

Infatuation is a state of heightened attraction and motivation associated with the earliest stages of a new relationship. While infatuation is often experienced as euphoric, it can also lead to feelings of frustration, distress and insecurity when our strong feelings are not reciprocated. Infatuation is a visceral and primal set of emotions which can be difficult to manage, and often takes a fair amount of emotional maturity to navigate successfully. However, when individuals operate with transparency, consent and shared-values, the new relationship energy can be the catalyst for a sustainable and fulfilling relationship.

Okay, but what is Infatuation REALLY?

We can trace the experience of infatuation to key biological and neurological processes. If the “science” of New Relationship Energy (NRE) sounds boring to you, then feel free to skip ahead to the next section. However, it might be interesting to know what’s happening in that brain of yours, right?

NRE is correlated heavily with a neurotransmitter (“brain chemical”) known as DOPAMINE. Dopamine is a substance created in the brain associated with pleasure, anticipation, energy and motivation. Dopamine is normally released in small amounts whenever you do something pleasurable or desired. Eating yummy food, winning at a board game, feeling understood in a conversation, getting an A+ on a test, and having a steamy evening with your partner(s) all release dopamine. Dopamine also plays a euphoric and excitatory role in many legal and illegal substances, giving them their addictive-like properties. When we get closer to our goals, or finally get what we want, Dopamine is the feel-good chemical patting us on the back and encouraging us to keep going.

I highly encourage the book “The Molecule of More” by Daniel Z. Lieberman and Michael E. Long, which describes the vital role of this brain chemical in more detail, if you are interested.

Dopamine is strongly associated with our primal instincts and motivates us to do things which have evolutionarily been described as biological imperatives. Eating, sleeping, socializing, sex and many other activities are instinctually gratifying for most people. Dopamine plays a strong motivating role in bringing people together. Whenever we get closer to our crush dopamine SKYROCKETS! It says “that felt good, let’s get some more or where that came from!” The euphoria that comes with it is one of the best natural highs in life.

Dopamine is rivals with another well-known brain chemical, SEROTONIN. Serotonin is also a feel-good chemical, and moderates the feeling of satiety and contentment. When serotonin is present, we feel secure, comforted and reassured.

While Dopamine says “MORE!”, Serotonin says “I’m good enough” or “I’m satisfied.” When Dopamine goes up, Serotonin is suppressed. When you have a new crush, or love/lust interest, Dopamine goes up to motivate you to try to get closer to that person, but as a result, our serotonin slowly declines. We don’t just feel euphoric when we have their attention and affection, but we also feel uneasy, insecure and distress when we feel like we aren’t connecting with them or getting enough reciprocated interest. In short,

• Dopamine Up = FEEL GOOD, DO MORE; Dopamine Down = Blah, Boring... DO LESS.
• Serotonin Up = Feeling satisfied, no more please; Serotonin Down = Unsatisfied! Need more.
• Infatuation = Dopamine Up, Serotonin Down. Got it? Good.

Infatuation can feel like a roller coaster of emotions!

Riding this neurobiological roller coaster can be at times thrilling and at others agonizing. If you are already in a consensually non-monogamous and/or polyamorous relationship, your existing partner(s) may involuntarily be on this rollercoaster ride with you!

In the vast majority of relationships, infatuation is strongest in the first six weeks to six months. After that, infatuation slowly tapers off while other emotions, attachments, commitments and bonds hold the relationship together. It’s likely that if you are already in an existing relationship, that it doesn’t still have the intense euphoric (and sometimes maddening) energy of infatuation. There may be many pleasant, exciting and wonderful things about your long-term partner(s), and also, it’s likely that you are much more aware of their quirks and growth edges.

When CNM/Poly folks have new relationships we may find ourselves intensely interested and motivated in the “new” person, while not nearly as energized about our existing relationship. A side effect of this motivation is the willingness to ignore “red flags” or incompatibilities while fixating on the positive aspects of a person. Likewise, when others are infatuated with us, they may be excited and willing to give us extra attention, affection, time and gifts. The hypermotivated “new” person may seem to provide and offer more for us than our current partners do.

This can sometimes create conflict when individuals feel as though their needs aren’t being met to the same degree:

• “Why aren’t my existing relationship(s) as exciting as this new one?”
• “Why doesn’t my current partner(s) give me as much attention as my new one?”
• “I really want to spend time with my new relationship and am kind of annoyed that I have to manage my current ones.”
• “My partner has a new crush, and seems a bit distracted when I could really use some affirmation and attention.”
• I feel a bit jealous when my partner talks about their new crush… I wish they were that excited about me.”

When we are being mindful and rational, we know that our existing relationships are meaningful and likely fulfilling. Our existing commitments are important parts of our lives and identity, and it’s likely that our partner(s) know us deeply and accept us unconditionally.

And also…

New relationships provide opportunities to be something new and the rush of exploring unfound potential feels like an adventure. A make-out session with our existing partner is still hot and steamy, but it’s hard to compare that with the rolling euphoria of the first kiss with our crush. The overwhelming feeling of gratification and novelty sometimes carry us away.

This. Is. Normal.

It is also normal for relationships to experience a little extra stress and require more maintenance and communication during these times. The following things to "keep in mind" aren’t to-do lists, but rather, potential reminders for both those experiencing NRE, as well as those whose partners have found themselves crushing on another:

What to keep in mind if… You are experiencing new relationship energy..!

1) Savor it! You are experiencing one of the most euphoric natural highs that the brain is capable of creating. Indulge in the way that a connoisseur does; taking your time and feeling out with each of your senses. It may feel as though there is a rush (that’s dopamine’s encouraging you), but when you have the time, attention and affection of your crush, slow down and let yourself bask in how good it feels.

2) Check-in with your Values..! Our new relationship energy gives us the motivation to do things which we normally might not do. It's great to explore novel hobbies and discover unknown sides of ourselves. However, as we seize new opportunities, we may occasionally be persuaded to do things we do not like, or are not in our best interest or the best interest of our existing relationship(s). A few thoughtful moments to step back and double-check that we aren’t neglecting or compromising our values or commitments is sometimes all it takes to give yourself permission to fully savor new experiences.

3) Practice Caution around making Commitments. Dopamine wants “more”. It wants things to escalate. It wants us to sprint from first-base straight to third and hit a home run without stopping to take a breath. It encourages us to make commitments simply because “we don’t want a good thing to end”. But infatuation is by its nature temporary, and will transition no matter the nature of the commitments you make. Before you make commitments, especially ones with potentially lasting consequences, make sure that you are doing it from a place of authenticity instead of inspired by the passion of dopamine.

4) Communicate pre-emptively. Your existing relationship(s) likely want you to be happy and are excited for you. It might be that they also occasionally feel jealous, or insecure, but don’t want to verbalize their feelings for fear of ruining your good time or seeming too needy. This is a perfect opportunity to initiate conversation, to validate, reassure and comfort your existing partner(s). Sharing gratitude and appreciation are encouraged. After all, you and your partner(s) have forged a beautiful relationship which makes it possible for you to have these NRE experiences. When in doubt, it’s better to over-communicate than to over-communicate.

5) Be Equitable. In our relationships we may not always be expected to be “equal”, but we do have a responsibility to be “fair”. Are you paying for a date with someone else using a joint bank account with your partner? Are you flaking on scheduled time with existing relationships in order to spend more time with your new flame? When you are hanging out with your existing partner(s), are you present with them, or subtly texting your crush? Are you double-checking that protection, safety and responsibility are part of your conversations around consent..? You are talking about consent, aren’t you?!

6) Compassionate Debrief. Some of the most intimate conversations with existing partners are sharing your experiences of your new relationship with them. Tell them what you have learned about yourself, what you value about your relationships, and ask for feedback. Be open to exploring ways that both you and your partner(s) can continue to refine your existing relationship and affirm each other’s needs. These debriefs can be informal or intentional, short-and-sweet check-ins or the main topic of a date over wine and candlelight. It is common for folks to talk, think about what was said, process, and come back to share any new insights and reflections days or even weeks later. Rinse and repeat often.

What to keep in mind if… Your partner is experiencing new relationship energy..!

1) Celebrate! Your partner (or one of your partners) is interested in a new person and a new relationship. At some point you made the decision to embark on this brave relationship journey by setting yourself and others free to “love many”. YOU ARE DOING IT! There are times when it will not be easy, but few things of value in life really are. In a few years, you will be looking back at this moment as you reminisce on about your dynamic love life. What would you like to remember?

2) Normalize Stress & Seize Opportunities for Growth. It is common for “new people” to put stress on existing relationships. This is true for friends, families, teams, co-workers and it is also true for your romantic and sexual relationships. When things are “quiet”, it’s easy to forget or tolerate our insecurities or neglected needs. It is normal for some of us to be more aware of these needs as our partner(s) explore uncharted territory with others. Make note of what comes up for you and make a plan to share with your partner. Use your new found insight as motivation to grow together and/or to grow as an individual.

3) Self-Care and Support. While care, affirmation and validation from others feels great, it should be a supplement to our own self-care needs. If your partner is on a date, out exploring with their new crush or distracted with a spicy text chat, it may be a perfect opportunity to treat yourself. Make plans for yourself or spend time doing something you love. This includes tending to other relationships and getting support. When’s the last time you touched base with your family? Maybe there is a friend you could check in on and catch up over coffee? Perhaps an old flame or new spark would love to hear from you. Quality time with yourself or with others is always encouraged.

4) Infatuation is Temporary. The feelings of a new relationship eventually fade or tapers off, with the most intense motivation being between six-weeks and six-months. If your partner seems a little more invested in another relationship, a little distracted and a little too enthusiastic at times, know that it is likely temporary. Some individuals mistake NRE as a sign that they are “being replaced” or that their partner “likes the other person more than me.” While it sometimes feels that way, know that long-term relationships are built on the scaffolding of unique values, attachment, affection and commitment and endure temporary passions. No one can replace you!

5) Give yourself permission to be present. You might be worried about what comes next. Will your partner’s crush transition into another committed relationship? Will disappointment, rejecting or “break up” leave you picking up the pieces? How will your relationship deepen and grow as a result of exploring other meaningful connections? Are you yourself going to find a crush and how will you navigate it? It is common and normal to try to predict the future or be curious about “what’s next”. But if we spend all of our time worried about what will become of our relationships, we may incidentally forget to enjoy them. If we are truly worried about our existing relationships, or the status of the relationships of others, it’s a good sign to bring those worries to the foreground and discuss them openly with our partner. It’s likely that if you have thought about these things, that they have too, and it’s a wonderful opportunity to get on the same page about your expectations.

6) Setting Warm Boundaries.

NOTE*: This may not apply to you given the nature of your polyamorous relationship(s). Check out comments made by SweetHeartLovelyRose, Emeraldead, for more perspective and conversation.*

The word “warm” in “Warm boundaries” serves two purposes. It is both the way that you set the boundary; with warmth, gentleness and compassion, but also denotes that it is “warm to the touch”. A warm boundary is one which is active but negotiable. Examples including:

• “I’d prefer it if you didn’t have unprotected sex until they were tested.”
• “Before you go on a weekend trip with someone else I’d like to at least meet them first.”
• “I’m okay with you seeing someone else but I would feel more comfortable if you took it slow. Would you go on a few dates before spending the night at their place..?”
• "I’ve been going through a hard time lately; could you wait until after holidays to explore a new relationship?"

These are “warm boundaries” because they don’t set concrete rules about what you can and cannot do, but rather, establish reasonable needs and conditions which enable action. It says “I want you to enjoy that thing, and also enjoying that thing will be much easier for all of us if we take care of a few errands or conditions first.” Sometimes that condition is simply more time or denote poor timing. This doesn’t mean that opportunities can’t be visited in the future. Remember, warm boundaries are set with the intention of being revisited and re-negotiated.

Conclusion

The euphoria and excitement of a new relationship is one of the most emotionally potent human experiences. Savoring this experience within the context of pre-existing relationships is a matter of emotional maturity and finesse which often takes practice, thoughtfulness, communication and a commitment to authenticity and responsibility. Whether it is you who is currently crushing on a new spark, or a partner kindling a new flame, it is likely inevitable that the passions of new relationship energy will challenge a relationship. Luckily, you are here because you love a challenge, and know that the reward of personal growth and loving abundance are well worth rising to the occasion.

What have your experiences with crushes, infatuation and new relationship energy been like!? I will literally respond to everyone.