My (22M) perceived laziness of my (22F) fiancée around the house

Hey there,

I have never really sought out relationship advice before as I feel like for the most part our 4 year relationship is pretty good and most issues resolve themselves over time.

One issue that I can not seem to get through to her is responsibility around the house. We have lived together for approx. 2 years at this point. I knew she was messy when she lived with her parents, but they were quick to tell her to clean up after herself, as most parents are.

Over the last 2 years, we have alternated responsibilities around the house in terms of keeping it clean, mostly to find stuff that she is willing to clean. At this time, I exclusively do laundry at the laundromat, dishes, and garbage/recycling. She exclusively cleans the bathroom, vacuums the carpet, and does the litter boxes. Our dwelling is a 1 bedroom apartment that is pretty small.

We stated we would share common things such as tidying up living spaces, dusting things off, etc, but it is pretty much always me doing it. I typically do lots of other small menial tasks that only take a minute or two.

I quickly found that I would have to remind her to do litter boxes almost constantly. There were some days it would go 3 days without being cleaned; we have 3 full grown cats, which is far too much. Then I noticed that the bathroom would never get cleaned unless I asked her to do it. When I did ask, she would groan about it very audibly. When she did do it, she would do the bare minimum, or just completely forget to do things like the tub. This extended to vacuuming, or just cleaning up her makeup table area. Every single time it got out of control, I had to ask her, which I hated doing. Every single time she would groan about it or want to put it off for another day. This also extends to putting laundry away after I had brought it home.

She works 40 hours a week in a retail management setting, always afternoons, and is typically always home by 8. I work 42 hours a week continental nights at a hospital. I completely get that she is probably exhausted at the end of the day and the perception of the end of the day and wanting to relax is more apparent when you work during the day. I usually ask her to do things when she comes home, as I am going to work. This allows us to spend the most time together when we are both off. I do the same, I clean after I wake up, when she is not home, so that we can have time together when we're both at home.

There is a lot of other underlying laziness issues with her as well. When it comes to making herself food, she will eat the bare minimum, or super easy to make unhealthy meals if I am not there to make something for her. I exclusively do the grocery shopping as well. She will sometimes stop on the way home to get things, but only if I give her direct instructions to.

If I am not there to motivate her to get up and do something, she will spent the entire duration of the night after she is done work watching YouTube and scrolling Instagram.

All these things bother me as I feel as though she is wasting so much time that can be used to do something productive or better herself by exercise or making friends. I have brought up all these things before to her, but she doesn't seem to think of it is an issue, and will get defensive about not cleaning sometimes.

I am unsure what to do. Obviously this would be a red flag if it was the beginning of a relationship, but this is someone I am engaged too and do love dearly. I am hoping to get some insight on how to better approach this or explain my feelings better to her.

Other than this laziness factor, our relationship is very good. I am very happy otherwise.