New dom relationship on the rise or am I getting groomed?
Hey you guys, So I met this Dom and we hit it of straight away. We have a lot of similar interests (in the bedroom as well as outside). We've been talking for a couple of weeks and it got very serious very fast. But I can't shake this weird feeling that something is off. After only a couple of days of texting he started talking about US instead of Me and Him. It seems like he profiles me at times, asking intrusive questions and making weird remarks. It seems like he is specifically looking for emotional pressure points and trauma. When I don't text him every day, he wants to talk on the phone. Its a bit much for my liking. I am really scared that I am beeing unsave and slowly getting groomed by this guy. I'm a grownass woman for goodness sake and I normally can trust my gut. Any tips how to handle this?
Posted Jul 4, 2021, 11:46 PM UTC
I highly recommend establishing a boundary and seeing how he responds - this is one of the ultimate ways to see whether someone's likely to respect you and your wishes.
As an example, it sounds like the level of contact is a bit much for you. So what you might do is say you'd like to have a quiet day or two without contact as you have something you need to focus on.
If he respects that, great.
If he says something like "oh. I'll miss the contact, but sure, I totally respect that" also great. Expresses feelings but respects boundaries.
If it's more like "oh, that would really hurt me" (emotional manipulation when a boundary is established), or otherwise gets angry or upset, then this is a person who doesn't like other people having boundaries (REALLY NOT GOOD).
If he initially says sure that's cool, but contacts you anyway, he's testing/breaching your boundaries. Again, really not cool.
So you can learn a lot about a person and their safety level by just establishing a reasonable boundary and seeing what happens.
Defenitly doing that. Thought I already did. Maybe not clear enough though
If you already did, is it really necessary to do it again? Not to tell you what to do here, but please set a plan in place for boundaries FOR YOURSELF. i.e.- if (when) he fails at honoring your set request (boundaries) then, following that it is imperative that you have a plan of action and not second-guess yourself. That’s exactly what he wants you to do! Stick to your terms! Do NOT go back on your word to yourself. Be firm with him, and more importantly be firm with yourself! So many people forget that in alllll scenarios, it’s actually the sub who’s ultimately in charge (by use of your safewords). Is he acting in service to fulfill your true needs (or is he serving his own needs, only)? Doesn’t sound like he even knows what your true needs are; and do you know what they are and have you defined them clearly with yourself? Honor yourself and set clear, healthy terms in all contexts. And enforce them in healthy ways!!! Good luck! The community cares about your well-being!!! Make good choices!!!
The part I'd reiterate from above is that in a real D/s relationship, the sub's needs come first. Full stop. Doms in successful, long-term, 24/7 dynamics have worked hard for YEARS to understand the needs of their subs, to better ensure that they don't cross any lines (and if they do, a good Dom wants you to talk about it with them). If he's already testing your emotional boundaries at the get go, that's the Hallmark of a consent violator dressed up in Dom's clothing - not a real Dom.
Bravo!!! Well said and spot on! Take an upvote, and I wish I had an award to give you. You nailed it! More people need to understand and be on a better lookout with awareness like you pointed out, for the fake Doms. It sounds like this manipulative piece of shit “guy” (NOT a man) in OP’s life is one of them. He’s not a respectful Dom. So he’s therefore not a actual true Dom.
Pretending you didn't say anything also counts as a negative response to you setting a boundary.
I had someone do that to me, and it was only because a load of other stuff about his behaviour rang alarm bells that I spotted it. It's really easy to think that the problem is on our side, that we didn't quite word it properly, or something.
Love this
Yes. Boundary-making is key in any relationship, especially when it's new.
Yesss! Well stated.