It would be like buttoning a Hawaiian shirt over
a long silk robe or crowning a cowboy hat with
a cheap toupee.
It would be like managing to squeeze a scuba suit over
a hand-pressed tuxedo that you only ever wore
the one time.
Using words to approximate my feelings for you
is a loose fit at best and an uncomfortable
deep-sea adventure at its worst.
Posted Jul 7, 2021, 4:17 PM UTC
I really like the imagery of this piece. You really get a glimpse into the sheer discomfort of what this person makes you feel. It made me feel like I myself was trapped under layers and layers as the reader; excellent work.
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback, and thanks for taking the time to check out my poem.
okay this poem is really cute and made me smile, I love the imagery and the final line is wonderful. the specificity of the imagery really sells it and I appreciate the way it all comes around at the end
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it and appreciate the feedback
What a beautifully unique collection of images, used perfectly to illustrate being lost for words. To feel so strongly for someone that anything you can think of to say sounds silly is something we've all felt, which makes this very relatable, and yet you've put such an original spin on it that this becomes something unique. I love the image of trying to put a toupee over a hat, or squeezing a diving suit over a tuxedo.
Thank you for the kind words. I was trying to convey the impossible task of matching words to feelings, so I'm glad that came across. I appreciate you taking the time to check it out!
Awww, this one's too cute, love the way you don't really show the message immediately, but rather keeps you wondering what's it about, short, cute and nice, very cool!
Hi there, thanks for sharing.
I enjoyed this imagery. A few thoughts if you’re looking for feedback:
the articles of clothing make sense to show how ridiculous the speaker feels, but are there more cohesive choices or pairings that might serve a double meaning, so to speak? The tux for example is formal but naturally makes me think of weddings - is there something to play with in the other articles of clothing? I guess in that vein it would be a challenge but maybe a rewarding one to try to eliminate the need for the last stanza. It’s a ribbon on top, but might be fun to try to work that out.
Hope it helps!
Of course! Feedback is one of the best parts of this sub. Thank you for yours, you definitely bring up some good points for improving the piece. Thanks for checking this out.
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I love this! I love the way you used specific details to create a easily-imaginable picture of discomfort for the readers(squeezing into a scuba suit over a tuxedo, buttoning a shirt over a silk robe) it worked really well! I also loved the tropical theme throughout the poem(Hawaiian shirt, scuba suit, deep sea diving) I think you could keep this theme by writing about one of those wide-brimmed, straw sun hats instead of a cowboy hat. Loved this poem❤️
I have to admit, the tropical imagery was entirely an accident, but now that you mention it, a straw hat would fit much better in this. Thanks for the valuable feedback and for checking this out!