Kintsugi

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum

1 2

We spoke in hesitations and secret tender moments

And declared our love in the comfort of solitude

I watched you crumble and put yourself back together countless times

Fully aware that you will do it all again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that

Until you drag yourself out of hell and crawl your way into my arms

And I will carry you the rest of the way home

And I will nurse you back to health

Sickly sweet and so tender it hurts

Posted Jul 8, 2021, 2:19 PM UTC · edited

116
MairaenDeiFerye•

🤕🌙🖤⚘🤍🤎

3
neumonia-pnina•

The verb tense feels a little bit off. So, you start in past tense- "spoke", "declared", "watched"- and then switch to future tense "will do", "will carry". Technically, that could be correct, but I think it would sound smoother if you used present tense instead, because the present is the future of the past... if that makes sense. Basically:

"I watched you crumble and put yourself back together countless times,

fully aware that you'd do it all again the next day and the day after that

until you dragged yourself out of hell and crawled your way into my arms.

And I will carry you the rest of the way home"

Future tense for that last line because it's important that it sounds like a promise and not just an action. "Tomorrow" is a word related to the present, so it needs to be substituted out for "the next day"- if you want to give off the feeling of "this happens over and over again" you can say something like "for countless overmorrows".

Even this sounds a tad strange. The better advice would probably be just to write in present tense to begin with:

"We speak in hesitations and secret, tender moments

and declare our love in the comfort of solitude.

I watch you crumble and put yourself back together countless times,

fully aware that you will do it all again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that"

etcetera.

As for the poem's contents, I really liked them! Some lines struck hard- "And I will carry you the rest of the way home" is straight up melancholic, even if it has a positive meaning. I can see that the double use of the word "tender" across the opening and closing lines might have been intentional, but I didn't like it much; I would replace one of them with a synonym. I think the poem will work better with punctuation and capitalization dependent on the sentence, not the line. Those are just my preferences, but they have a tendency to bring out the simple emotions.

2
questionable_applesOP•

Thank you for the feedback! The verb tense switch was intentional after the “Until” but I realized I did butcher it a bit. Everything after that point was supposed to be a promise and not an action, but the line where it switches is unclear. Also now that you point it out I definitely see how using tender in both of those lines sounds a little janky. Again thanks for the help!!

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
LucidNous•

I really feel this poem. I've been there. I am there. The beauty of being broken. Thank you for this.

2
chaos-lee•

I agree with the previous critique on the tense change, but I love the idea of the kintsugi as a mending process.

It might be interesting to weave in some of that imagery (ie. I would nurse you back to health Powdered lacquer pressed into my fingertips Sickly sweet and so tender it hurts)

❤️

2
AutoModeratorMOD•

oh, hi there; didn't see you! you've reached r/OCPoetry; this is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. to post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. if you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. try to be nice, questioning, and specific. if you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. if you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1