The stars glow but I never see them.
The desire grows, but is locked away.
I save the rings of Saturn for another day.
The pollution has made the sky empty and grey.
And yeah, the moon shines, but I never love Her
because she haunts me when I sleep.
And she beams at me while I dream
that I’ve covered her with my thumb to see the planets.
Posted Jul 17, 2021, 3:28 AM UTC · edited
[deleted]
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The poem really conveys the feelings of anxiety and trying to forget someone toxic (at least for me).
But I think the can be have a little bit more flow. Like in the fourth line instead of has made, makes seems a little more fitting. And also in the seventh line, I think the she seems out of place so maybe get rid of it? Rest the poem is really good
Makes sense! Having less syllables in that line might help. Plus the rest is in present tense
There is a constant contrast between the expected and the actual. "glows" contrasts the lack of sight, " grows" contrasts the restriction of "locked away". There is this feeling of discord, unnerve at the liminality of your position, and I appreciate the metaphor of blocking out the moon to see the wider world. I feel the biggest gripe I have with this is the rhythm, it's a bit clunky here and there, but the images are wonderful to visualise.
Thankyou! I’ll try to mess with the syllables to help flow
this poem provokes feelings of depression and anxiety in me. i think it is due to the descriptive words and imagery (pollution, empty grey sky, haunting moon) and overall tone of the poem which feels void of happiness. i feel like the speaker is trapped in a sense when nighttime comes around. trapped in fear? this poem did a great job making me feel creeped out by the moon / night right before bed :)
LOL! I was definitely going for a solemn tone when I wrote this. I was just thinking about how I never see the night sky and am always inside now. And usually the moon is described very highly (hence the capital h) but I wanted to describe it differently!
i think you did a great job! i usually love the moon and this definitely made me look at it in a different view LOL. thank you for explaining!