How can I best support my partner who is leaving an abusive relationship with his mother?
Hi everyone,
I'm posting on this subreddit instead of others because I know some of you may understand my unique situation.
I am Canadian (27F), my bf is Korean (26M). My bf is currently in Korea living with his abusive mother, I'm still in Canada. I previously posted here that I was going to Korea to get my boyfriend and help him out of his situation, but these plans have been cancelled. Korea won't let into the country even though I'm fully vaccinated and I was willing to quarantine.
Anyway, he is now coming back to Canada to me on his own at the end of August (he has a work permit to work in Canada so he can get in no problem). But things are getting quite tough. His mother had a mental breakdown today. She's extremely upset that none of his future plans involve her. She is also constantly telling him that he is the first born son in the family, therefore his family takes priority over his life. My boyfriend does not agree with this of course.
My boyfriend is still coming to Canada to live with me regardless, but he is still getting emotionally riled up by his mother. Today he told me he doesn't like upsetting her, and he is sad. He continues to make excuses for her- saying that she doesn't want him to leave because she is lonely, she is having body pain, that she has had a traumatic experience and doesn't trust men so she won't date to help with her loneliness, etc, etc.
I told my boyfriend point blankly that her emotions are not his responsibility. He is struggling hard to separate his emotions from hers. I also told him that she not acting like his mother, she is acting like his ex girlfriend. I told him a real mother would be happy that he is making his own choices in life.
But I fear I'm being too harsh. I'm a direct person, and I don't want to be harsh on him. I'm not sure if I'm going at this the right way. Some of you on this sub have suggested I help him get therapy when he comes to Canada, and I completely agree. My boyfriend has already agreed to do this.
But I need help in terms of knowing how to act when he starts emphasizing with his mom and her situation. He is constantly making excuses for her horrible behavior. This is not right at all, and it does frustrate me, even though I do my best not to show it. I try to be as understanding and compassionate as possible, but I also maintain directness.
I just have so much compassion and love toward him. He's just been through so much, and I really want to help him through this the best I can. Is there anything else I can do to better support him? Thank you for your help!
Posted Jul 30, 2021, 4:47 PM UTC · edited
Filial Piety is engrained into our (Korean M here) very souls from the very moment you're able to talk or think in Korea, so your concern about being too harsh or direct towards your boyfriend with regards to your feedback about his relationship with his mom is well-founded.
Him being the first-born son of his family adds another layer, as Korea is still very much a primogeniture culture despite the modernization.
The best way to frame your discussion with him isn't the harm and inconvenience that his mother is causing him, but rather the fact that him not standing his ground is going to make both their lives more miserable as time goes on.
There are probably a few ways to approach this, so I'll try to lay out some of the ones that I think might be most effective.
There are definitely many different avenues to approach this, but my advice to you is - frame the discussion positively (if you do x, y, z, your relationship with your mom could improve and she could even become happier) vs negatively (if you don't do x, y, z, I'm going to break up with you / make you feel bad about not pushing back / you're going to hate your life).
Good points, but in the end of she is obstinate, he needs to leave her behind and not look back. This is for his own good. If he allows his mother to continually manipulate him, then it will be detrimental for his future in many ways.
In the future his mother will pass away at some point, and where would he want his life to lead? Alone, his mother gone, and you off with another man? If he allows his mother to manipulate him it will lead to very serious consequences down the road.