M16, huge vent

WARNING This is really long. I sat at 1am and wrote out the whole story of what happened, in full, along with my thoughts and feelings (unhappy lol). It’s more for my benefit, but I was promoted to write it by finding this sub so thought I’d put it out there anyway. I feel like it’s kind of in a story-style, because that’s how I’m comfortable writing. Enjoy..?

It’s currently 1am where I am and about half an hour ago I put my head down to go to sleep. After me and my girlfriend of 1 and a half years (both 16) broke up about a month ago I’ve been feeling it throughout the day, but it often hits me at night, annoyingly, and I struggle to sleep because of annoyance, sadness, or other weird indescribable feelings about what’s happened - so I thought I’d just vent here for a while. I’ve already told my close friends most of this, but getting it all out at once, including the most recent developments in the fiasco, might help, so here goes.

It’s important to know that my ex had multiple mental health conditions, including bipolar and depression, which I had always fully supported her with when her family wouldn’t unfortunately. Because of this she became my top priority. If she needed something, or said anything that worried me, I would drop everything and be there, virtually or in person.

For the first year or so, everything was pretty perfect. She had her ups and downs, but as a couple we were strong and I helped steer her in the right direction and keep her on track when she was struggling. Before our relationship she was in a bad place, having previously smoked as a form of self harm and drank regularly with friends as well as getting into fights. The girl I knew was completely different, and for the first year I wouldn’t have thought that at all unless she told me.

Unfortunately, things started to go a little down hill. She started a part time job at a fast food chain alongside college, mainly due to family pressure. She promised me she’d prioritise college work, as she’d failed her GCSEs and was retaking them alongside a vocational course, but the management treated her like shit and put her on hours she said she wasn’t available, meaning she’d have to leave college early and rush straight to work. It was stressing her out and I was getting annoyed with her for prioritising a giant fast food chain’s demands over her education and future, despite saying she wouldn’t. The people she was working with weren’t all the best, and she ended up getting a cigarette from one of them to smoke.

This seriously weighed on me, as cigarettes are something I take really seriously because both of my parents used to smoke and tried to quit when I was young - my mom succeeded but I’ve watched my dad try to hide his habit from her since, not knowing what to do when he coughs horribly all year round. I was so upset with her, because she’s struggled with them before and had been clean for over a year, so why go back? She said it was because she was stressed at work, which annoyed me even more because again, she should come first. I feel this may have started something, as I feel like soon after is when we had a conversation where she told me she felt I was being too forceful where I was trying to steer her positively. Because her family didn’t support her at all (treated her like shit - she did all the housework and had to buy her own essentials) I had always tried to be a positive influence on her, feeling I could see what would be best for her, but my passion to help her ended up being negative in her view. I told her I was sorry and didn’t know, and that I wanted to change and just wished she told me sooner. She said she felt like she couldn’t be herself, and I asked if we could try and fix it, but she said it couldn’t be fixed, so we broke up because we both felt it was for the best.

She walked me home and kissed me “for the last time” and walked away. I cried at that, and spoke to my mom about it. After we spoke I saw she had called me and left a voicemail. She was walking home crying, saying she’d made a big mistake and was really sorry, and wanted to get back together.

I was shocked, but we did. The details are a little foggy here, but we split again soon after, I’m not sure why, and I really thought it was forever this time. After about a week, I was feeling bored and lonely with so much time on my hands, so I got on “meet new friends” apps for kids. I spoke to anyone who would talk to me, having meaningless conversations to fill the space and time and to feel something. I was also feeling horny too, despite us not being sexual together for a while before the breakup, and ended up getting an ass picture from a girl from one of these apps.

Pretty much straight after I felt so bad for doing it. I still loved my ex so much, and was only doing it to fill a void. I blocked the girl on socials straight away and forgot it ever happened. About a week later me and my ex got back together again, for the third time, and things seemed to be going good. She was round mine and messing about on my Instagram when she saw I had 2 message requests. “They’re probably just porn bots” I said, so she looked at one. It was a message from the girl who’s ass I saw, asking why I blocked her after she sent it.

My ex was upset, and I would be too. If I knew she’d done that I’d be extremely jealous. About a week later she called me and said she wanted to break up, and that she didn’t want to be friends. Things had been clearly shaky, with her not messaging me first at all and when she replied to my messages it was one word replies - I didn’t know where she was, what she was doing. I was worried, as I’d usually always talk to her and know what she’s up to. I was expecting the break up, but the not being friends shocked me. I asked why and she said things haven’t been the same after what happened with that random girl. And that was it. (Seriously, no more getting back together again now.)

I felt like shit. I blamed myself for the breakup completely, putting it down to that one picture of a random girls body. I felt like I’d cheated on her, like I’d ruined our whole relationship. I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me.

I immediately changed my lifestyle. I deleted all social media accounts I had, started nofap (no porn, masturbation, etc.), started working out and started taking cold showers. I wanted to be better, and I told her this when I messaged her the next day saying how sorry I was, and that I was going to change for her.

The thought of being a better man, one she would want to date again one day, motivated me. For the first few weeks I kept everything as it was - all the stuff she’d got me in and around my room. My lock screen was still her. I wanted constant reminders of what I’d done and what I was doing everything for.

But then everything changed when she came to pick up her stuff she had at my house. When she came she looked like a completely different person. She had dyed her hair black, cut it short, and was wearing clothes I couldn’t imagine her in. She asked if I was “seeing anyone new” snarkily. I just brushed it off and said no. I asked how she was, and she basically said that she had started smoking again, was living with a boy I didn’t know because home was bad, and was dropping out of college. It hurt me like hell to hear her say that, all I heard was “I’m throwing my life away”. It broke my heart because she was such a special girl, with genuine talent and a huge heart, and now she’s just a junkie. On her way out I noticed a hickey (this was only a week or two after our split). She said “I’ve made a lot of mistakes the last few weeks”. This annoyed me so much - doing something like that is not a mistake.

She owed me £15 for a meal we agreed to split that she ended up not being able to pay for after she overspent, and i wasn’t going to ask for it, but after hearing that the money would be going on her destroying herself, I wanted it back desperately. So I asked her. She said she didn’t have it, so I let it go. But after, I thought, fuck. I want that money. If she asked me for £15 to buy cigarettes and weed I would say fuck no. So I messaged her to ask. She basically said she didn’t have it, so I asked how she afforded cigarettes. She said her friend was buying her them, so I asked why she doesn’t ask him to send me £15. She said no, and it annoyed me massively. Out of principle. After everything I’d done for her over the last year and a half, the fact she couldn’t even give me this £15 she owed me made me see her as a shitty person. Even through our breakup, I was fully accommodating, let her come get her stuff whenever she wanted despite her asking to come 3 times prior and never turning up, with no explanation.

I knew now that the person I dated was dead, this new person she was today was completely different.

I was almost happy about this - hating her made it easier on me in a way. But I recently got Instagram back after feeling I was ready to have it, used only as a tool to communicate with people and rekindle old friendships, and stumbled upon her account. I couldn’t help myself, and looked at her current story. Staring me in the face was her, in bed with someone I didn’t even know. Her bio confirmed it was a new boyfriend. After less than I month. My friends had told me a week or two ago that her Instagram wasn’t great, and agreed to tell me when I wanted to hear it, so I pretty much expected it, but it really hurt. Not seeing her with someone else, but seeing how much more the relationship and it’s end meant to me than her. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone else right now, yet after a year and a half she’d moved on to someone else straight away.

When writing this tonight I also realised that her new boyfriend also came to pick her up the day she came to collect her stuff from my house, so it’s probable they started dating just one or Teo weeks after our split - maybe less. Her quick moving on has made me wonder if that’s why she became distant in the last week of our relationship, and the thought of that threatens to eat away at me if I’m not careful.

I really saw my life with her. We spent ALOT of time together, either virtually via messages and calls, or in real life, and my investment in the relationship lead me to prioritise my friendships a lot less. I regret that massively now, and have been trying to be more confident socially, as well as arrange seeing old and current friends more.

Despite all the positive changes I’ve made in my life (I’ve never been so happy with where I am personally right now, and it’s been that way for a few weeks now), I still think about this alot. I know it’s normal, but I thought I knew her so well after a year and a half, I knew her inside out. Yet this still seemed completely out of character. I can’t believe she would move on so fast, and that’s what bothers me. I feel like our relationship and everything in it meant nothing to her now. All the “firsts” I shared with her that I can’t take back, for nothing. What makes it even worse is how hypocritical she was, breaking up with me for an ass pic and then immediately going and getting a REAL LIFE hickey, and who knows what else she did. It makes me wonder if there was another reason for her breaking up with me.

And breathe… This has been the longest virtual piece of writing I’ve ever written by fa landslide, and looking back at it I’d be seriously surprised if anyone’s got to the end of it, I’ve been typing for an hour. I just had to get this all out, start to finish, what’s on my mind. Thank you so much for reading, please know if you are going through anything similar to this you aren’t alone.