Alternate Timeline

Alternate Timeline. The title and the daydreaminess of this piece signal that someone is revisiting events and imagining them differently. On first read, I took this to be a sweet coming of age poem about a potential relationship that wasn't yet certain. The party was wholy imagined. The polite, considerate banter and pecks on the cheek were a fantasy of a fling that hasn't ever existed (but is nevertheless desired). However, there are some darker undertones that I find really interesting. The drink that wouldn't make her fuzzy. The passive voice of being (not) taken upstairs. The walking by someone in the hallways pretending you don't know them. Maybe this relationship has existed, and maybe the drink did make the protagonist fuzzy. Maybe she was taken upstairs. Maybe she doesn't wear that black dress anymore. Maybe her friends know why.

This humorous piece is quite interesting. The brackets easily carry this piece, and give the poem an overall silly feel.

To add, though, I think it would be kind of neat if there were more brackets, to make this (what I assume to be teenage) persona seem much more fleshed out. Aside from that, great work!

there is no major twist or climax; it’s a mellow piece, with enough meat to it that it keeps the reader absorbed. the ending seems to suit this as well - a statement enough that it has a bit of an impact, where you’ve pulled us through this alternate narrative and then circle back to the unfortunate reality. i find it to be a smooth ending, and kind of a classic/typical story. i also think that the opening lines are strong. with the title “alternate timeline”, i knew the general direction of the situation as soon as i saw the words “i’d still”. i enjoyed your use of parenthesis to add those minor details and it was a cute touch.

a couple small suggestions - i think it would flow better to change “and i’d get there late - / fashionably” to simply “and i’d get there fashionably late” all in one line. i can see the appeal to break it up like you did, as it adds kind of a witty tone to the statement and emphasizes the “fashionably” part, but it also sacrifices the flow a bit and i don’t think it’s worth it. “and peck me” sounds fine and has no grammatical issues, but “give me a peck” sounds a little bit more natural in my opinion. most of the changes that i suggest are of course subjective and pretty minor.

i found a couple of grammatical errors as well - “i’d think it’s endearing” isn’t correct; i personally think that “i’d find it endearing” sounds the best. also, body plural is “bodies” instead of “body’s” and there should probably be a comma after “kind” in the line “the kind brotherly way”.

i enjoyed this and i hope that my suggestions are helpful!

In my opinion, the strongest part of this poem is the final stanza. I think that's because the audience gets a strong sense of how the narrator feels about the subject of the poem. You do a great job setting the scene in this "alternate reality." I can easily picture the party, the sweaty polo shirt, the weather, etc... but as I read this, I find myself wanting more details on how the narrator would feel throughout this imaginary scenario. For example, when you describe being "rescued from your ex," I'd like more detail that alludes to what I'm assuming was an awkward conversation and the relief/other emotions felt when said person comes to the rescue. Another line here and there would be enough to fill in the picture. I think it would make the final stanza even more abrupt and uncomfortable in comparison to the tone of the rest of the poem, like waking up after a dream. How different things could have been if only it were real..

Either way, I enjoyed reading this poem as is and piecing the narrative together. It works!

Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.