The story of the day you died - part 1

You died today.

You knew it could happen. You had no problem talking about death, even your own. You even had a "Memento mori" tattooed on the side of your index. You could see it while you were typing on your computer. Filling in spreadsheets at your dead end office job. It gave you an edge, a little je ne sais quoi that reminded you that you weren't like them. The others, the ones that aren't inside your head. The ones you only know by the dullness of their silhouette and can barely tell apart. But let's be honest a minute. You where still somewhat young . You exercised some, you didn't smoke, you forced yourself to a healthy diet and while you enjoyed to get shit-faced every couple of months or so, you were not a heavy drinker. Your apartment had a fire alarm and a carbon monoxide detector and your car had very good safety features. So, the memento mori, the bluntness about your own death ("Just throw me in the closest landfill!", you would jokingly say when the occasion would arise to talk about funeral rites), it gave you a nice edge and did not cost much, did it ? It was like laying on a train track knowing that the engineers where still working on the engine's blueprint. You knew you could die, of course, you just did not think you would. Not before a long time.

But today, you died.

It sucks really. Your life wasn't bad. Actually, your life was probably much better than the vast majority of humans. Past and present. But had it been great ? Not really. You never mattered like you thought you could. When you thought about this you would usually end up thinking that in the grand scheme of things the lives of Mozart, Einstein or Jesus would too be one day forgotten and that their impact on the universe had be minimal. That too, gave you and edge. Didn't it ? But it didn't matter much anymore.

Because today, you died.

Even your death was dull. A semi crushed your car. The driver dropped his cigarette on his crouch and got distracted. In the end, you died like you lived. It wasn't your fault and you couldn't have done anything about it anyway.

You know how they always say "they didn't realise anything" when someone dies ? It's all about making the families feel better. They said that to your parents to. But it's bullshit. Time slows down. It's a well known phenomena. Under heavy stress your brain burns more ressources and speeds up its activity. You feel as time slows down. It's an evolution thing. Lets you act quickly in case of danger. Well, don't feel bad, you couldn't have done much anyway.

You heard the thud and you felt the car bend. Around you, a thousand reversed cymbals. You knew what was going on. You felt heat on the left side of your face. Your legs moved one direction and your head another one. You didn't feel pain but you did know your neck wasn't supposed to be moving like that. Although you could not feel much you knew your bowels had just emptied themselves. That was actually the one thing you always feared. First responders will find your remains laying in a pile of shit. They will probably joke about it for a while too. For a nano-second you actually wondered if you left anything embarrassing in your apartment. No. You where entirely boring.

Although you always told yourself you would have a nonchalant attitude facing death, you felt engulfed by dread and gloom. You never felt so sad.

Well, that's it really.

Today, you died.

It was all white around you. It was disappointing really. You never believed in the afterlife despite your mother best efforts, but if you had to be proven wrong you would have at least expected something a bit more imaginative. Colors you never imagined, fountains of honeys, several extra space dimensions, blue chicks 3-tited blue chicks dancing in a purplue sky. Anything really but the old cliché of the blank page. Then, you saw it, them, you, whatever you want to call what you saw.

In the white background there was no depth perception possible, no perspective, no shadows . So when it came toward you it looked like it was just floatting and getting bigger and bigger. Well, it was you really. But not exactly. It looked like you but in this one good photo that was taken by mistake once, not all the other ones where you felt like looking at a stranger, the one you used as your profile picture for years. It was just a tad taller than you and looked to be a bit more confident than you. It talked and it sounded just like your inside voice. The one you hear when you talk, not your "real" recorded voice.

-"Hey !" It said.

You knew you should have panicked. But you couldn't .

-"Hi" You replied shyly . "Am i dead ?" the banality of your question hit you like a truck (and you could tell first hand what it was like to get hit by a truck) it was as if your emotions where gone. Or more exactly like they had been covered by a soft but thick lid . You knew they where here, you could somewhat guess their shapes across the lid but if you did not know what they where in the first place you could not have guessed.

-"Well i'm not sure really, you are well on your way at least"

-"What does that mean ? And who are you ? Are you here to guide me or something ?"

-"That i know ! I'm you ! Or more precisely, a part of you. I guess you could say i'm your unconscious, your psyche. Basically i'm all of the idle processes of your brain . The things you do without knowing. And this (it waved its hands around) I guess we created together. Note that I don't really know much more than you do although I have access to some memories and processes you don't. I also have no access to the outside world."

-"Wait, so you are saying that we are ..."

-"Inside your head, so to speak . Consciousness is just the brain accessing its own functions. Well, we're going full swing now. Well I can't be 100% sure , keep it mind that's what I think according to the little feedback I get. That might be an elaborate alien prank or an intervention of whichever divine being is real. So take what I say with a pinch of salt ." He marked a pause and said :

" You know how flies are so hard to catch ? It's like they know what you are about to do before you do anything despite having such a tiny brain. It's because they don't perceive time the way we do. They perceive it at a much slower pace than us."

-"It rings a bell, I think I read something about that" You interrupted.

-"Yup, at the dentist. Waiting for your root canal. That was in Animal Behaviour . Well I think it's what is happening to you. To us. You see , outside, they are probably scrapping your remains already. But the brain is probably bringing everything to a quasi halt and sent a nice cocktail of chemicals to allow us to create this."

As it said this, you found yourself on a beach, your feet in the water (Apparently your unconscious enjoyed clichés more than you.)

"I got here a bit earlier than you. We can pretty much do anything we want."

-"But how long will we stay here ? And what's after ?"

-"I don't know what comes after, or if anything comes after at all. As for how long we will stay here, it's hard to say. I would Imagine that it should end at some point. I mean you where no brain surgeon and my knowledge is as good as yours. But the signals inside your brain are physical. The brain might be able to slow things down but I don't see how it could completely stop. Although your perception of time is probably entirely subjective.

You took some time to look around. You thought it was odd how detailed everything was. You could pick up some sand and see every grain, the horizon looked normal, the sea looked just like the sea. You kept looking for some kind of shortcut that your brain might have used, something that proved that all of that was rendered by yourself, but everything looked so real.

-"I wish I could call my, I mean...our mom. She is going to be devastated" You said

-"She'll get over it eventually, he said"

Then you saw it. In the step facing the beach, was a small forest. And in this small forest, you saw it. It was quick, it was big and it was dark. so dark. You saw it from the corner of your eyes but terror overcame you.