I just need to feel ‚at home’ again

It just occurred to me that I (26m) haven’t felt at home in a very long time.

(Watch out, long ass text by a non-native speaker coming in)

For the last ~10 years there were very intense and traumatizing fights happening in my family, at first between my parents and as soon as my dad moved out between my mother and me. She is a very very complicated person and for as long as I can remember has always been fighting with at least one member of the family (her mom, dad, brothers, in-laws) if not multiple people at the same time.

The fights between her and I started because I wanted to make things right between her and my dad and generally just wanted to let her know that I‘m worried about her since she was on bad terms with a lot of people, always running into the same problems and just seemed unhappy with her life. Unfortunately she showed no understanding whatsoever and took everything I said as an insult and told me what a terrible person I am that I see her that way. She has a ‚gift‘ of finding the things that hit you at your core and if she feels she’s ‚losing’ in a fight/discussion/conversation (it’s always about winning for her) she provokes you until you feel like you have no control whatsoever about the situation anymore (even leaving the situation is incredibly hard because she knows exactly how to draw you back in). We fought a lot to the point of physical violence (towards myself and towards her) being a reoccurring thing.

The relationship towards my brother and sister obviously suffered because of that too. We weren’t that close to begin with, especially my brother and me were quite estranged, but them seeing how I physically attacked my mother only drove us further apart. I have to mention that I am usually not a violent person at all, but in these situations I reacted out of pure desperation and feeling completely overwhelmed. The fact that neither my brother or my sister ever stood up for me didn’t help strengthening our bond either and only made me feel more alone and overwhelmed. I do feel incredibly sorry for the physical and psychological damage I have caused with my violent behavior.

This was the norm for some years (sometimes better, sometimes worse) until I moved out and my dad moved back in with my mom, my brother and my sister.

I lived by myself for a year and after initially struggling with taking care of myself and taking responsibility for my own life (getting a job, pursuing my hobbies) I began to feel quite comfortable with myself and started feeling happier and more self-confident. After a while I couldn’t afford the place anymore and had to move in with a friend of mine (we weren’t really close though). I‘ve always struggled with anxiety and felt very uneasy around him to the point of me hiding in my room when he was at home too. So I didn’t quite feel at home there either.

After a couple of months I met a girl and we pretty much instantly became very close (in a platonic way). For the first time in a very long time I felt at home again when I was around her. We decided to move in together and that worked well for some months until I started to develop feelings for her (she got a boyfriend two months after us moving in together). It felt like I had to hide from her and couldn’t be my natural self around her anymore. That coupled with covid (that was early 2020) and resurfacing trauma triggered the worst and longest depressive episode I‘ve experienced yet.

Ffw 1.5 years, two clinic stays and half a year of mainly laying around in my old room at my parents place (I moved back in after the clinic. Our relationship stabilized a bit and is more harmonious than it has been, even though fights are still happening a lot), I only just now realized that I still don‘t feel at home or save here. When I ask for help (which I obviously need given that I still am mostly laying in my bed waiting for the day to pass) I get told that I should be able to take responsibility for myself since I am 26 years old and I still mostly feel left alone and not part of the family. I take responsibility as well as I can, I‘m working on my traumas with a professional, I‘m starting a labour integration course soon and am trying to pick up my hobbies again.

The situation with my once closest friend hasn‘t really changed, I still haven’t told her how I feel (took a while to figure out what I actually do feel for her) and I still feel like I have to censor myself when I‘m around her.

I don‘t know what to do, I would just love to feel save, at peace and at home again.

Any advice or answer in any form will be greatly appreciated, thank you all so much ❤️