Today has been an especially hard day to be a childless mother

EDIT EDIT thank you so much to everyone it’s so overwhelming the kindness, it makes me feel much less alone to think of everyone wearing blue and g'mar chatima tova to my fellow jew thank u for including him in ur prayers I promise I’ll respond to everyone at some point just need to make it off the floor first

I lost my 2y/o son. A lot of days I wake up and am able to live, I think about my various goals and hobbies and they bring me genuine happiness. But today has been one of the days where I sleep as much as I can, choke down an Ensure, cuddle his blankets, and try to minimize crying. Sometimes I go in his room and sleep on the floor next to his crib. I lay there on my phone scrolling through pictures and wishing I didn't hate pictures and had taken more. I actually feel physically ill, I have stabbing abdominal pain and my Psoriasis flares up.

I talk to my therapist, but my family, friends, and my boyfriend all act like it makes them uncomfortable. I worry about him being forgotten and I dislike how everyone tries to sweep his life under the rug as though there's somehow something shameful about dying.

His favorite color was blue, his favorite food was chicken noodle soup, he had an insane amount of emotional intelligence and empathy for a toddler, he loved to pretend to read, he enjoyed painting and long car rides, he always wanted to go to NYC to play in Central Park, he loved Blue's Clues and he really wanted a dog like Blue. He was brave and strong.