The semicolon that turned into a period

The semicolon that turned into a period

Haha im writing this because i dont know where to go from here but ill start by telling you who i am and what led to this, this is probably hard to read but i would like you to keep going. If i really go through with this, its not your fault, i promise, im really sorry, im so so sorry i couldnt be strong enough even know the only thing on my mind is, perception, how you view me, i have written notes in my phone, in a journal too, documenting my life for a couple of months, and i kept it to show the world my journey, believing that one day i would show it to my children, and then their children, and then on and on so i could never die in spirit, so i have something to show the world how i am and what i thought like, i also made a project called the Jekyll and Hyde program because i wanted to test how i saw the world when i stoped my thought through hydroxyzine a pill that well if you ever find it on my phone itll show you why, to be a better person, im a human, imperfect being who struggled with everything from addiction to suicidal thoughts, “ ive had ups and downs way stronger than most however” i hate that i say that as i truly believe that no ones pain is more valuable to others, i was even about to delete this line but i wanted to keep it in because to be honest, im really rotten, see the reason why i started the jekyll and hyde program because i have a dark side of me which i hate on instinct when angry i usually rank people in my head, i think its because in games like tetris, and school, in life, in everything, everything is a measure of skill, you compete to see whos better and growing up with bullying i was always looked down on, i was always aware of social ranking, and so i now always have the toxic mindset of, if someone plays badly when on my team, it pisses me off because i dont want to be held back, in things i excel in i sometimes look down on my opponents/teammates by saying, “how pathetic, why is it so hard for you, you dont compare to me”, but see this is why i truly hate myself, i dont like that way of thinking, its so toxic, why would anyone put others especially the ones they love in that position, why… i hate people that say this, not necessarily them themselves just that way of thinking, because its flawed, everyone is human, everyone has strengths either by training or innate talent, it doesnt matter, its not right, its hurtful, and the thing i want least to do is hurt others. i really want to do one thing in life, my goal is to make this world a better place, i want to be better than average and i also want to be the exact opposite of “im hurt so im just going to be angry and grumbly and by proxy lash out at someone else because i am too pathetic to just keep it to myself or try to handle it gracefully”, i get sometimes lashing out, i do it all the time but its not right, IT IS NOT RIGHT, why be a link in the worlds worst chain, why should we as a human collective allow it, its a poison, a virus that spreads and harms others, thats why we ourselves should try our best to stop it, we have the power to start a wave of the opposite, i want to be light not the darkness. I want to make everyone's lives better, when im gone i want people to remember me for the good...im crying right now haha. But its true, a lot of people get mad at me telling me to keep my money for myself, they get angry because i complain about it because well, doing labor for a job is hard mostly because its the only job i can have (which i love my boss and my sister who employ me, and i love my work) but at the end of the day its labor and its tough so its hard earned money. So i when i gift others money (even my parents have little money compared to my friends, and they unintentionally remind me of my middle class situation, which i have everything necessary and some that i want, but its the type where for a week we dont get much food but we get what i want), when i gift them money its because my father taught me that money doesnt buy happiness, but it can buy things that make life much better and through that it does make you happy, which im torn on because thats contradictory, and i hate myself for not being appreciative of what i do have (im never satisfied...i hate that about my self because i want to appreciate what i do have, not what i dont), when i gift stuff its because i want all my effort to go into making people happy which also usually leaves me with little money, i like to play hero, i like to take the bullet and make people smile even if it kills me inside, im sure you know that, i feel like writing more but its past my bedtime and if i actually want to live ill write more whenever i have another mental breakdown...maybe youll get to know me after all, i just, have to get through this week