i miss you forever
i remember your eyes and how they sparkled and how your dimples always made me smile and when you screamed i would get startled but i haven’t heard it in a while your nose made me feel safe because i could recognize it from miles
and i hate that things ended this way but maybe you’re better off without me i never knew forever had an end especially on that day because you made me complete and now without you i am hallow my tears and cries weep and my sadness will always wallow
through this room and in my head it feels like nothing in my life matters not my family, my favorite show, or my bed because what is the point of loving to the Moon without Saturn when the smile that would brighten it
is no longer shining on it like it never even existed in this horrible pain i sit in all the regret i have listed i never once regretted our memories, moments, and chapters forever engraved and will never be erased every time they pop in my head a smile turns to light laughter not as bright as the moon because her smile was one of a kind to never be replaced forever my hand traced
this is one of my first poems i am very eager to hear what you all think :)
Posted Sep 19, 2021, 7:12 PM UTC
I really love your use of imagery like bring up their dimples and the moon and Saturn. I think this poem however is would improve greatly with just some minor changes. First the stanza's could've either shorter because every start of a sentence is explaining something diffrent, because you have two diffrent ideas in the same stanza especially the first one like you're talking about their dimples then their scream without having a proper connection between the two. Secondly I would've loved a bit more specifics or used of metaphors, like maybe taking that their dimples were as deep as the moon's crater. As well as maybe mentioning other physical aspects maybe. For it being your first poem is was great, I remember my poems being way first than this so I congratulate you on that and I can't wait to see how you progress as a writer!
I actually liked how the first stanza was written. It was first about how they see, then how they look, then how they sound, smell, and ends with how familiar it is.