DFW You're 21 years old and you don't think you're going anywhere.

Warning: This is a long post.

I just wanted to get some feels off of my chest. Feels that I can't tell anyone else because I'm not close enough with any of my friends to do so and feels that I can't tell my girlfriend because I don't want her to feel my feels. Here goes.

I feel like I'm a 21 year-old nobody. I feel like I'm not going to go anywhere and I'm just wasting everyone else's time. My parents think I'm pretty worthless. They don't have to tell me, I can see it in their eyes whenever I walk around the house. I can sense their disappointment. It feels so heavy that I just want to stay in my room so I can pretend they don't feel that way can I can go on being blissfully oblivious.

I don't really understand why anyone hangs out with me. I don't understand why I get invited to places. I wonder if it's out of pity or some feeling of obligation. I'm not funny, I'm not cool, I'm not someone that fills any sort of role in a friend group. I'm just there. I don't really have much in common with my friends, either. Video games are really the only thing I do have in common with them. But of course there are times where they don't want to talk about video games, and those are the times that I realize that I don't really fit in with them that well. To top it off, it's not easy for me to make friends with people. In the three years I've been going to University, I have not made a single friend. The only people I hang out with are the people that I know from High School. I'm afraid that they'll eventually realize that I'm not someone worth hanging out with and just stop inviting me to places. I don't have many friends left. I wouldn't have anyone left to go to if I lost the rest of them. All...what...five that remain?

I guess some of you are now wondering about my girlfriend. "Surely she would still be your friend? Surely she would still be there to love and comfort you?" Those are legitimate questions, that I have only semi-legitimate answers to. You see, I do have a girlfriend, but she lives on the opposite coast. We're a long distance thing. Yeah, I know, stupid. I told myself before we got together that I wouldn't get involved in this way. I loved her, and realized she was an amazing person, but that it just couldn't work out if I tried to be with her. It wasn't worth the effort and the grief I would go through. Those were the things I told myself. Perhaps it was my loneliness, in the end, that made me give in.

She's perfect for me in nearly every way. She's got my kinda looks and my kinda personality. She accepts me for who I am and she treats me nicer than I deserve. She's all I could want and more. However, I can't help but wonder whether she feels attached to me because I was there for her in one of her darkest times. Maybe she only feels for me because I took care of her. Or maybe she's just infatuated with me and doesn't really understand that I'm not what's best for her.

I'm a pessimist. I have been for a very long time. As much as I would love to be with this girl, I don't believe that things will ever work out. I don't have it in me. I don't have the smarts or the drive to leave the state I've lived in my entire life to move to the opposite end of the country. I don't think I could swim. I'd just end up sinking. Despite feeling this way, though, I just can't bring myself to leave her. I love her. I love her so god damned much. I just wish she would leave me...

I'm not the smartest kid in school. I'm pretty lazy and I have horrible study habits. I used to major in Computer Engineering, but I switched to Computer Science this semester. For one thing, it's something I'd actually like to do, a little bit. I also didn't think I could put up with the Math. I failed Trigonometry harder last semester than I've ever failed anything in my entire life. I'm taking it again this semester in hopes that I can do better. My teacher is significantly stupider, but he's nicer. At least he gives us review exams that I can work on with my other friends who have actually passed Trig, Calc, and Physics already. They're really the only reason I feel I'm doing better this semester.

Anyways, I guess you can understand how I feel. I'm studying for a major I'm not sure I can make it through so of course I don't feel like I'm going to be any sort of success. It's very disheartening. I've also never had a real job. I work as a karate professor Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm. It used to be from 6:30 to 8:30, but so many students quit when I took the helm, that they had to cut my class time in half. They felt the second half was a waste.

The class used to be run by my sensei, who was in charge for, I think, 16 years. He had studied since he was a teenager and he was a multi-degree black belt in several forms of karate. Needless to say, he was good at what he did. Last year, though, he decided he was getting too old for it and he actually wanted to move out of state with his family. I was his favorite pupil and he offered to let me be the one that took his place. I didn't really want to. I don't like kids and I don't like teaching. Having to teach kids was not something ideal for me, but my parents really wanted me to have a job and I hoped that taking this position would make them less disappointed in me. Little did I know... Of course working 2 hours a week, now, with the pay I get is hardly viewed as a job. Hell, my 18 year-old sister makes 5 times what I make as a fucking secretary. And she only got that job because she had connections with the people working there.

Well, that's about all I wanted to get off of my chest. I doubt many of you, if any of you, will read this, but thanks to those who did. I just had a lot to say. I've had it building up for a while.

tl;dr: 21 years old and feeling worthless. Parents disappoint, few friends, long distance girlfriend, not the greatest in school, and shitty job.

Edit: You guys are so god damn awesome. Thanks for all you had to say and understanding dat feel. I'll definitely take some of your ideas into consideration. Thanks for all the help, bro's.