On Living Alone
At times like this
it’s like being a dragonfly in an empty hall
buzzing and banging against the drywall.
Even if the window’s right fucking there,
how on earth could you expect him to know?
He’s all over-worked wings and bug-eyed stare.
He needs someone or something to catch him,
in a jar or net or small can of tin,
even if he thinks he’s in a helpless fight,
(Though, being a bug, he can't think that much.)
and let him outside in the bright sunlight.
Maybe it’s a laugh shared—with anyone—
or singing in the rain if you can’t see the sun.
Living or not, in part it comes from without:
Moments like being released from a jar
to the light that was never too far out.
Oh-so-burdened with an excess of thought
I have always known how to get un-caught,
but at times like this, I’m a dragonfly:
Head full of buzzing, temples always banging…
…too much coffee. I’ll call mom. Worth a try.
Posted Sep 22, 2021, 6:12 AM UTC · edited
I dig this. Love the use of quintains. I like the rhyme scheme. I like the simplicity and the focus. In general, I think it's pretty good, which makes it difficult to criticize.
This falls for me into the uncanny valley of being well-crafted in every way, but capable of being made better by a collection of small changes which only you are really capable of deciding.
The rhythm is the biggest thing that stuck out to me. Structurally, it's very neat, and you already employ a cool rhyme scheme and have lines of controlled length. Maybe it's just not coming across to me, but the form begs a rhythm, and in reading it a few times through, I couldn't really find that rhythm. That makes it feel loose, which isn't necessarily bad, but to me it clashes with the pre-established structure.
The vast majority of your lines contain ten syllables. In the quintains, the 1st, 8th, 12th, 13th, and 19th lines contain more. I think that since the poem is already so structurally consistent, you would do better to make all lines (except for the first, which is exempt) contain ten syllables. That may very well fix the weird rhythm I feel when reading.
Otherwise, and this is probably just subjective nonsense, but it feels to me like a poem about not just living alone (maybe for the first time), but about working dead end jobs while living alone. Symbolically, this poem resonates with me at 19, where I wasn't just living alone, but trying to make a living, my tender young self clashing against the cold and pitiless world, realizing for the first time just how lonely it is to exist on my own. This is probably irrelevant, but the content of the poem feels like a lot more than just the experience of living alone. I feel like the title could be changed to capture that better.
Like I said, the poem falls into that uncanny valley where it's difficult to criticize, because it's already good. These are just some thoughts I had in reading it thru a few times.
I'd be interested to know more about why the dragonfly is relevant, ie why is it a dragonfly and not just a fly, or a mosquito hawk or something like that. But it's visually strong, the scenario feels good, the descriptions are on point. Idk if what I was saying about the syllables came through because I think I phrased it weirdly, but hopefully you get what I'm saying.
I genuinely thank you for how thoroughly you thought about this.
I was stuck on the syllables and got impatient making them equal (at work with too much caffeine in me), so your criticism is spot-on. Knowing that there are people on here giving my work such a careful eye lights a fire under me to tighten things up next time, so thank you.
I live in Japan, and it's been the season for dragonflies. Swarms of them. I found one in the hallway at work the other day, and opened the window to let him out. That was the impetus for the image, and the whole poem.
(As a side note, you're the second teenager to relate to the theme of living alone. At 23, this is my first time living without even a roommate. I'm encouraged by your bravery, and wish you happiness.)
I'm glad it was helpful! I felt bad I couldn't offer more. With that clarification about the dragonflies, I definitely think you could do more with it. Dragonflies are deeply symbolic specifically in regards to maturity and change. Even though it's not a part of the poem, your line about being at work and seeing one and letting it out the window feels important. That kind of recontextualizes the whole poem for me, because I was imagining it differently.
I'm not actually a teenager, I'm the same age as you (turning 24 next week!), but your poem definitely reminded me of how it felt to be 18-20, and what I was going through in that time.
Also, I forgot to mention in my previous comment, but your two lines on laughs shared and singing in the rain are my favorites. That was probably the most evocative part of the poem for me.
This is good shit, if you want something else looked at in the future, please let me know.