> Niren then maybe becomes catatonic.

lol'd

This post is extremely helpful. Thanks for taking the time to leave feedback. Definitely gave me some general things to think about for future reference, but I also went to edit most of these things you mentioned already. The voice is something I left alone for now but I'll definitely be attempting to 10 year-oldify it when I finish the rest of the chapter (as its the only scene where she's 10). 

Really appreciate everything here. The points on what to make more clear and the mechanical fixes are very helpful. The only one thing I wanted to leave vague was exactly why she looses enthusiasm at the end, but definitely didn't intend on it being unclear that the firework exploded or something like that. The balloons and LEDs dimming I meant to be a mood/atmosphere change to convey how everything seemed to hyperfocus on her fireworks for those moments, as opposed to literal. Like a hyperbole for effect. But I can see how it could be confusing f

Thanks! Tried fixing those up to make them better, I think I see how they could be more clear. The second one especially I should probably start and be clear with the fact that the firework erupted.  

The voice is a hard one. She's only 10 for this one scene, I always find the idea of dumbing down the voice or even doing child dialogue kind of difficult. I'll work on it.

I read through your pages and thought the writing itself was done well. The one big thing that stood out to me though was the girl's voice sound very mature. Perhaps it's the word choice or her demeanour but the girl sounded like an adult to me. I'm not sure what genre the book is but if this book is meant to be an MG novel then I would suggest making the voice more authentic to a 10 y/o. 

Other than that, there were just a few sentences that I had to re-read a couple times to understand what is going on like;

>*Every night of the fair had a firework launch where three volunteers showed off their custom made fireworks. Niren was the youngest ever participant.*  


and

> The balloons and banners nearly lost all motion. Every LED in the park seemed to dim. And white lights trickled down from far above like a rain of stars. Nothing could turn the crowd's attention away.  


Hope this helps!

Thanks for the feedback! It's sort of a thematic prologue, time jumps forward after this scene. Her knowledge of fireworks are relevant, but the main plot is about her wanting to leave her district to travel. Her home region provides a good life aside from how strictly they limit travel and knowledge of the wider world, and she has various other passions and things going for her there that she'd have to leave behind to pursue her desire to travel. 

The info I withhold from this opening scene until later is that she had a dream of launching a firework so high that it goes to space (so with that maybe you could see how it relates to the overall conflict)

In my humble opinion, you nailed the show vs tell on point. For a story of this kind, I won't have hope for much more. Your vocabs aren't too flowery and hard to understand either. (However, I suck at tense so I can't offer much in that area)

**Structure**: You did very well show how the girl interacts with the world and how the world comes into her eyes - all without telling us how she feels about it. From putting her hand on her rocket to watch the show, to her encouraging the college student with a secret wish for him to continue next year.Good usage of vocabs to enhance the scenery. My favorite would have to be the slow clapping from the crowd for the college student. You slip in how the girl thought about his attempt here, but to me it adds flavor to her cheekiness and determination to shine the brightest.There is this sentence though

>Dressed up with festive garnish for the occasion.

Which has no subject. Maybe you should connect it with the sentence right after with a comma.


Thanks for the feedback. I feel pretty much all of this. That opening edit definitely feels much better I think. I'll be more careful with the questions in the future. Fresh eyes are always nice for many reasons but not the least of which is just pointing out repetition that idk how I miss. 

I appreciate the time and effort put into this response. This is more like a thematic prologue that sets up some relevant things but not what the overall story is about. And I'm trying not to have this separated into its own prologue section, so I'm hoping I can tighten this up and jump off strong enough with the next scene that it can be a valid part of chapter 1

Hey there, 

&#x200B;

Firstly I would say that there are no golden rules on showing vs exposition. While it is that the technique is valued in modern western prose, there are plenty of short stories and novels worldwide that are dominated by exposition. *One Hundred Years of Solitude* comes to mind. Point is, don't neglect a muscle group simply because one side of the gym thinks it isn't as aesthetically pleasing as the bicep.   


With that said, starting off a piece of prose with a rhetorical question followed by a third - person POV switch felt jarring to read. Some writers use the rhetorical question as a narrative device very effectively, say Stephen King. But I'm not sure I've ever seen him open with one, and the reason for this is because when you open with that sort of narrative device and immediately pull back into an omniscient POV it leaves the reader, this one, anyway, in a vertiginous state. Perhaps something like this may work better:   


'Fireworks always fell short of

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