Hello and thank you for posting. I read a few times and got a feel for what I think is the germ of the story and where this piece is at the stage. It feels very larval to neonatal to me. 


**Plot** MC POV no-name fourth sibling, ‘MC Monstar later Aliesa,’ stands at the precipice to go deep sea diving for a family that seemingly shows her no love.

**Germs** Aquatic horror is here fantasy matched with reference to girls clicking their ruby slippers paralleled with women clicking their weighted iron boots? Definitely not Kansas, Aliesa. And no going home. Or is this about the whole quest of returning home having saved our family (three friends plus a dog…or three brothers plus a sis?)

**Strengths** I am curious about the prison and the world itself. 

**Intermediate** Short piece…but still I got no emotional motivational reason for why the MC gives two dingleberries about her siblings or parental stuff. Why does she even care? ALSO, the names of the characters sound like my kindergarte

Overall impressions:

General confusion but also a lot of intrigue. I like the fact that you jumped right into the story, and it felt like I could picture the setting very quickly even though I was "thrown into it". The MC has a bit of an attitude, which makes me curious about her. I like the narration style you used and found the thoughts of the MC's regarding the situation are very realistic, for the character you gave her. So, there wasn't much perceived dissonance in my eyes, as to her dialogue and her actions. However, I did find that putting things into context was confusing and hard. I enjoyed the little "interruptions" you made, in the form of thoughts, as the MC is getting about to jump. 

Details and events I liked: I really like the whole idea behind the story. The more you talk about the deaths of your siblings, and the more you give tid bits, the more I'm craving to know. I think you play very well with that curiosity aspect, and that you lead people very fast but also gen

Overall Impression:

I like the underlying story. One sibling is about to do something that three other siblings have died trying to do (or at least, we are led to believe they died), and they are doing it to save one more sibling, a sister. 

The story is also mysterious (in a good way). How the heck are you getting to a prison by risking drowning in the ocean? It feels like fantasy, though there were no explicit fantasy elements.  

My main criticism is that the narrator feels unsympathetic, and they feel unsympathetic because they aren't very sympathetic to the three brothers who just (apparently) lost their lives. We don't usually heap scorn upon those who recently died (by repeatedly calling them 'idiots' and 'stupid'), especially if they are doing it in the service of saving someone else's life (the sister). It just feels too twisted and heartless. Of course, this can be fixed by simply softening the language.

Setting. 

Somewhere by the ocean, on a cliff. I kept thinking about 

This is my first time reviewing, so I hope it helps!

I can say the premise is very intriguing. It took a couple re-reads of the first paragraph, but the premise is pretty solid, ad I wanted to know more. The times of her describing her fear of jumping, while also having her be aware she wouldn't die was good. It had me asking questions about this world. But I would be remiss if I didn't say it was very bogged down.

For a short story of 651 words, there was a lot of monologuing. Which isn't always a bad thing, and it worked at times. But mostly it came off as blatant telling, or just irrelevant. Now not all of the it was irrelevant, and that's the problem. The points I was losing interest at had elements of the plot in it, but I was so bored by the monologue that I almost didn't notice.

Another problem is your tense usage. At times it made it difficult to read. I'll get into specifics now.

>The originals rested at the bottom of the ocean with those idiots, but my shoes bore the same

Hello!
I went in thinking this would have Lovecraftian elements (horror + water usually does) and I wasn’t disappointed! So if that’s your goal I think you’re on the right track. Of course, that also means that some of the complaints leveled at Lovecraft could be applied her but I’ll get into that a bit more down the way.

**To your question:** 

Starting: This is a tricky question because I think it depends on the mood you want to set. I, and some of the other critiques by the looks of it, got a sense of brooding for the piece. In fact it was sort of like that old Romantic painting of the man staring into the stormy sea. And that’s because we have our main character staring down a cliff face into turbulent seas. It very much sets a mood like “I think that’s quite fitting for a Lovecraftian sort of horror, it has the very “man’s insignificance to indifferent nature” vibe which I thought fit well.

You mentioned you were considering with the mother asking for help. I see this appeal but

Hihi! Inspired by u/OldestTaskmaster's Mother of Scales (which was sick as hell), I started to think about fish and monsters and the sea and got to click-clacking away.

This is the first 650 words of what ends up being an unedited 4500 (with a goal of no more than 4000).

My only real question is have I started in the right place? It was either atop the cliff or with Aliesa's mother asking her for help the day before. Let me know if the expo is weaved in well enough that it flows or if I have to back this bad boy up a bit to not dump all over ya.

\[Darker Waters\]

[\[Old but technically still useable 1923 critique\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/p014tw/1912_but_none_of_the_blood_was_hers_ch_6_rewrite/h877fiz/?context=3)

[651] Darker Waters