**Setting, tone** 

I like the setting. You paint a good picture of how Fall is almost a sad beauty. It's difficult in this story to say if we are seeing the sadness in the beauty, or perhaps beauty in the sadness. I can imagine the loneliness and the brief moments of longing that strikes Veronica as she smokes on the balcony and sees the beauty of fall, but also the loneliness and distance of the world outside her apartment. 

The tone here is interesting. It's at times poignant and sad, with hints of ironic beauty, but also it's shallow and superficial. You're very good at atmosphere and descriptions, but your weakness is character and interaction. I can feel how you're almost rushing to get past interaction, how you fail to let moments breathe like being in the elevator with the lady, or being at work. You would rather your character *think* of work than for her to actually be at work so you have to write it. 

>The tedious work. Picking up children, feeding them, changing them, clo

**First Impression** 

Not bad. The technical writing is mostly good. Your style is a little strange. It's very focused on being a narration. I could imagine sitting around a campfire and hearing someone telling this story. I don't think that's a good thing. The writing feels colloquial, but I don't think that's your intention. What I mean to say is, I'm focussing more on the narration and how you wrote the story than I am on the actual story. I'll go into detail on his in my next point. 

You paint a good picture. Your descriptions aren't clunky or strange, I can imagine probably close to what you want the reader to be imagining.  

Largely I felt the ending was weak and rushed. This feels almost more like a short story than it does the first chapter in a book. As it is written, I'm not sure what motivates the reader to *continue* reading. If I had this book in my hand and I read this first chapter of the book, I would not buy the book. That is because I don't trust you as the author 

The Grammar is on point. I read the stories aloud when I do critiques and it flowed well. Veronica as a character is pretty flat, but i would have liked to know what she like besides self pleasure. The dialogue between her and the neighbor is hilarious! I wish there was more. The imagery is really good too. I felt like I could easily walk around in her flat. The ending is unique. I didn't like it because I feel like that neighbor is the destroyer of self pleasure and hell or high water I would never want some old lady to do that to me but now I have a fear. LOL! The biggest room for growth that I see is how the character does things? Does she stand straight up? Crooked? How does she unplug things? Violently?

Conclusion  
  
I think you are lacking descriptions in the middle and end; you are good at writing descriptions, this is the strength of the beginning of the story, so I think it has great potential if you just add more descriptions and sensory details.  
  
Show how Veronica interacts with her environment; at home, with her colleagues at work, and with her friends outside of work. What you have written is a good start, but it’s not enough for a whole story. It was too rushed, especially at the end. I read the other comments that people left, and everyone seems to have the same impression that I did; your story has a lot of potential, but it’s too rushed, especially the ending.  
  
You have a lot of talent as a writer, especially with descriptions; you are good at writing those, when you take the time to. Make Veronica’s life a bit more vivid and real, so that the reader feels the loss when her hopes and dreams die, and her world turns gray.  
  
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Characters  
  
Is the elderly neighbor meant to be the villain in your story? It seems to me that she is-- because this was a villainous thing that she did to poor Veronica.  
  
Plot   
  
There is not enough plot here. It’s more like an idea that needs a lot more fleshing out.   
  
Descriptions  
  
I thought you started out well, with your descriptions and world-building; you describe the city which is built on marshland and often floods, then you write that the only light on is the one in Veronica’s apartment window.  
  
Later, you write a good description of Veronica’s workplace, but there is more telling in this part than showing. One suggestion I thought of is that you could have the elderly neighbor give her the gift later in the story, and before that, show a few scenes of Veronica at work, dialogue with her coworkers, describe the setting, etc. You mentioned her nieces, so you could describe them in more detail, and the place where they live. Details like this 

General first impression  
  
My first thought after reading this through is that it’s not believable. Why would Veronica accept this from her elderly neighbor in the first place? It sounds like this is the first conversation they’ve had, and it doesn’t make sense that Veronica would accept an intimate gift from a stranger. When Veronica first opened it, I thought it was another vibrator, which made it even weirder. Then I found it was an anti-lust device. Clever plot twist, but still hard to believe.  
  
There is no reason given why the elderly neighbor gave this to Veronica, and no reason given why she accepted it. If Veronica had felt embarrassed over her nightly activities, and WANTED to get rid of lust, then it might make more sense, but even so, her neighbor wouldn’t have known about, because who in the heck WOULD talk about that with a neighbor they barely knew.  
  
Kudos for shock value, but it still has to be plausible. I’m all for getting readers to suspend belief, bu

**GENERAL REMARKS**

Never has a story hooked me in so early before. Your story is so bold, so unashamed of itself. I couldn't stop reading in the beginning. And when that old woman showed up, it turned real freaky. The ending, though—well, I have a complaint.

**SMALL COMPLAINT**

>She’s so curious now, sparkling, there’s a tingling between her legs, and she remembers the instructions: “The anti-lust device… direct to the subject's temple once charged…” and she presses the on button, it revs up, and she slowly directs the device's special point towards her temple-- her whole head vibrates and the tingling dies off instantly, and so does all her desire, and all her dreams too.A grey filter spreads across her vision, removing all colour."Work tomorrow shall be satisfying", Veronica says contently to herself before putting the magazine aside and turning off the light.

This. The ending. It's rushed.

You show the reveal, and, in one or two paragraphs, end the story. This is... well, not 

Hello!

STORY

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pO9JSrWdOkgWT9qpNexqH_wpcHzD5ErHTxNw6L0Pt4s/edit


CRITIQUE (1616)

https://old.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qbd5xu/1616_hospital_escape/hhckcbe/


Any and all feedback much appreciated! Thank you in advance.

[1213] Flood of Satisfaction ch1