You are awesome. This was the exact sort of feedback I was hoping to receive. I do see what you're saying. Much appreciated.

Take this with a grain of salt, it's also kind of a low effort critique tbh.

366 words is a very small sample size. It's hard to really grasp fiction in a short amount of time. 

Your first sentence could be a huge turn off for some people. It's not something that sticks out or grabs the reader. When you introduce the 'algorithm' it should be clear that it is a scifi device, especially since it exists in the real world as a mathematical device. You have to avoid confusion or readers will give up.

After that, you info dump to try to catch the reader up on what's going on. You try to break it up a little with light dialogue and jargon, and then info dump to explain the jargon. 

After the paragraph 'Kloir kept silent.', the story actually starts. Your setting is interesting, and you seem enthusiastic to share details of your world, so do that. The heady scifi stuff will come eventually, but you got to lead into it. Start with the things readers are familiar with, rather than the things

Fair enough! I'll spruce up that critique and get back to you.

Even for 366 words...that critique isn't enough. Expand to have the leech mark removed.

I clarified the POV so early on the reader knows we are following kloir, we get his thoughts and feelings on a clear 3rd limited. I set up what the stakes are. He wants out, and subtly let people know he’s got someone waiting, he needs to find that sister right?

I also characterized him, and show the reader he’s not a total dumbass, he wants the receipts from the other guy, he’s not falling for a con right?

Most importantly the world building is done in a way that shows what it means to the characters.

This is going to seem like I’m fucking with you, but half of the point of the rewrite is to show you how much I think didn’t need to be in the story

Rewrite:

“Well I’m afraid the man who recommended you is dead” Satyer’s fat red face bulged at the seams of his mask.

“Good. But who was it? I’m not taking a job from you unless I know you have a contact. Too many vessels die young. I’m not looking to have my mind hollowed out by a proxy and get sold into the fucking mines.” Kloir said.

Kline hopes every time his client wasn’t going to be a prick. It was his only well of hope that hadn’t dried up in this cursed town. The ashes falling from the sky, coating every place no matter how hard these backwards peasants tried to keep them out. He needed out. One more job and he could buy his ticket on the (space train idk). He already bought his kid sister a better life. One more job, then it was his turn.

For got to say: I use voice to text on my phone so expect a typo or two to slip through I’m happy to clarify as needed

Much appreciate the effort and detail that went into this critique! Valid points were made. Came here to get destroyed and accept any and all feedback here.

Spoiler alert. This wasn’t fun for me and I doubt it will be fun to read. I’m sorry.

For something this short I think line by line is the only way to stay high effort. I’ll probably do a rewrite as well.


“Will you use an Algorithm?” Sayter asked.

- not a huge fan of this opening in line. I just don’t think it does anything substantial, and it doesn’t introduce an immediate hook.

Devices like Algorithms were banned by the Re'L State, and for good reason. 

- snip snip. This is what people mean to avoid with show don’t tell. 

Criminal offenses committed under duress of an Interlace session were near-impossible to prove. 

-This is also direct exposition through narrative voice. As a normal reader I would stop reading here. Yes that quick. 

No device was more dangerous, however, than the use of a Proxy Barrier. 

-More of the same. Not sure why we need all these rando caps. Random capitalization doesn’t make something feel special, instead it makes it feel like lazy world building,

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