I went through the first chapter and left in-line comments while reading. I do think that you do a better job, structurally, moving forwards. Some of the scene arrangement and prose felt a bit off to me, but that's all stuff that you'll clean up in future drafts and with feedback from other readers. 

> I think you're right, I do need to add more of Kaden's internal thoughts.

I don't think you necessarily *need* to shoehorn his thoughts into places. I more meant I think you can do a better job putting yourself in Kaden's shoes - what things would he notice and would he not notice?

Desensitization is a big part of our everyday life. When we become comfortable and familiar with stuff, we stop noticing them as much. What a character considers to be normal - and abnormal - tells us important things about them. 

Here's an excerpt from Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)'s book on writing, [Consider This](https://www.amazon.com/Consider-This-Moments-Everything-Different-ebook/dp/B07X94GQFD/)

>I

Hi, thank you for this! This is great feedback. I've already started reworking the beginning. I think you're right, I do need to add more of Kaden's internal thoughts.

Totally no pressure, but if you ended up coming back and reading the rest, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts, even just a very quick surface-level impression. But if it didn't hook you enough to read on, that's completely fine.

**Having said that, here's what I liked:**

Like I said, if the paragraph stopped after *sandy hair pirouetting around in the breeze,* I'd have given you a 4/5.

I think you've got some nice sentences, and you have a nice eye for picking out little details that do add a "fuller" or "more real" picture to the scene (at least they did to me), but this pacing issue really squanders all of that.

* I like your title. It implies that there's going to be a process.. a setting up.. a taking aflame.. falling to ruins. We've kind of got a whole world in the title.
* “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” --> Not sure if this is like a front-matter quote or if it'll be above the start of the first page or what, but I also really liked this. To me, it reads as adding a sense of culpability to the title. Something didn't just catch fire...... it's a result. Maybe it was caused. Just adds a whole new dynamic in a way that I felt was cool.
* *I should probably start with the day my

Hey there\~ thanks for submitting

When I do reviews I read the first paragraph, comment about whether I want to keep reading or not and why, then continue on and read the full thing. I do this because I think [first sentences and paragraphs are really important](https://writingexcuses.com/2008/03/02/writing-excuses-episode-4-beginnings/): It's the point in time where the reader has decided to invest time or money into you, and you're learning on that good will to make a promise about how you'll pay it back. *Read me, and I'll let you experience XYZ*. Your promise can be a mood, a hook, a joke, a lot of things, really, depending on what type of story you want to tell.

**First Paragraph Test**

You pass with a 3/5. A 4/5 means that I *want* to continue reading, and a 2/5 means that I'm going to click out and try another story instead. You've convinced me to keep reading, but I have reservations about doing so.

Martin Scorcese, director of *The Wolf of Wallstreet,* *The Aviator*, and M

Hi, thank you so much for your feedback! Hm, yeah, when you point out those words in bold I see what you mean. I was wondering if I needed to add more internal thoughts and it sounds like yes, I do.

And whew, glad the second part works logistically. Yeah, some people are weird with kids and that's kind of what I was going for. haha

Thanks again!

>**She wore her** tweed jacket, dainty fingers just poking out of the sleeves. Her feet were kissing at the toes like a pigeon’s, and her long skirt rippled over her legs  
>  
>  
>  
>Standing there staring at her, I could no longer feel the sting **of forty-degree weather** on my cheeks, no longer feeling the weight of the **three** textbooks in my backpack, nor the anxiety over the math test I was supposed to take in forty minutes. Everything else was blurry out of the corners of my eyes. A dog barked across the street, but it sounded like it was miles away.  
>  
>  
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>More people stopped, asked if Mom was okay. I didn’t answer anyone, just watched **the sportcoat man** on his cell phone.

You are on the way to some good imagery with your first couple of paragraphs but there are a couple of instances that are somewhat clunky and as a result it feels like it trips up everything surrounding it for me as a reader.   


I like the characters you are developing between Kaden, his mo

Hi, thank you so much for reading and leaving your feedback! It's interesting to hear your interpretations of what's going on. haha

Agreed on the emotions, that seems to be the consensus, so I'll have to work some more internal thoughts in. The goal is for him to come across as kind of numb to the world, which I admittedly am finding difficult, so I'll have to figure it out.

Glad that you would read more! Thank you again!

General impression

  
You have an intriguing beginning; the first sentence is an attention-grabber. Kaden’s mother seems to have a mental illness that makes her act out in public. Sorry if that’s wrong, but that was the impression I got, from her behavior, and because of the cop saying that she had other warnings, so this wasn’t the first time she had done something like this. I thought your descriptions were excellent, I get into more detail when I get to those sections of the critique.  
  
I think the heading “2008, Kaden” at the beginning is unnecessary.  
  
Descriptions

  
I liked the descriptions you used to describe what Kaden’s mother looked like lying in front of the dentist’s office. You painted a clear picture, so I was able to visualize the scene. I also thought the description of how Kaden could no longer feel the weight of his backpack, or the cold, was effective.   
  
I think you should take out the words “forty-degree weather” because people perceive tempera

Hi, thank you for reading and commenting! I really appreciate your feedback. You left some good notes for me to consider. I'm glad the characters came across well, and relieved to hear you would read more. (:

As for the "2008, Kaden," the plan is to switch between Kaden & Noah's POVs and between 2 years. I hope it works out!

Thanks again!

Commenting as I read:

I didn't like how the first paragraph began with the character basically saying, "here, let me tell you," as I think it's too predictable, but reading on, the details relating to his mother more than made up for that shortcoming and I definitely want to continue.

The second paragraph excellently advanced the scene and built upon the tone that I sensed from the last one, specifically, how ominous it was. 

Maybe consider changing "My friend Paige," to just "Paige," or something more brief. The original version of it just sounds too much like hand-holding the reader. It's better to show what relationships the characters have through their interactions with each other rather than just stating it. Also, in the sentence: "we normally walked to school together," maybe using a more vivid and specific word than "normally" would be better.

The descriptions continue to be interesting. I have a good sense of this world and feel myself inhabiting it, which really lifts up 

Hello,

Rewrote a beginning in a totally different way and wondering if it works. Would you keep reading? And does the second part of this seen realistic?

Thank you!

\---

[Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Up9A6u7fuFr2WnKPwTP6QtcGMX9NDQkGwVvrjmHbZGk/edit?usp=sharing)

[Critique](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qu1ntc/comment/hko84jf/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[1352] How Things Catch Fire - beginning