I don’t know how to get away from my mom and leave this hellish home. I don’t see the way out.

I’m 18yo, and I have a physical disability and major mental illnesses (i have severe C-PTSD, BPD, panic disorder, anorexia and depression). I suffer from depression, anxiety and self-harm. I almost died out of anorexia and suicidal attempts.

My mother and dad are in toxic relationships. She ruins everything on her way. I don’t seem to have success in therapy and medication because of the situation at home. My whole life, I’ve thought this is my fault that I was born, and I ruined my mom’s life.

I am a mother to her. She loves when I take care of her and her romantic relationships; she hates me when I don’t. When I say that I love my dad and she’s not right - she goes nuts and has a full rage episode. I’m scared and tired.

My mom made an image of a monster characterizing my father. I have always thought he is a monster and the one who abused her, while my psychologist and psychiatrist told it’s totally reversed, which made me cry.

My mother is destroying my dad, and she's doing the same thing to me. "You’re driving me crazy! You're going to kill me! You will cause my death!" – this is what I have constantly heard from her since my childhood. Every time I feel low, I feel that she is not thinking about me but how to use my pain and make a new scandal out of it. And I'm tired of being manipulated. She doesn’t want therapy. She thinks there is something wrong with me and my dad, not her.

All I wish is to be happy. And I can reach it only far away from her… but how? I live with my parents, I don’t make money yet, and there is no chance I will live independently as for now… makes me depressed.