Tomorrow, my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him and i'm going to say no.

edit: The reason why I'm not telling him no now: I've considered that but from how much I know him, it will be better if i answer when he asks me. Kinder. I know he'll want the chance to do it properly because otherwise he'll keep wondering like "what if she didn't find the ring" "what if i did it right" "what if she's just freaked out" etc. I know him and this is 100% the better way for him to find out (at least considering the other option.). It's not a public proposal.

I feel like if I don't tell someone, even strangers, i'll explode. The ache in my heart is only getting worse and I don't know what I can do to change how I feel.

If I had one wish right now, it would be to somehow magically change how I feel.

A week ago I found the ring. I think it was a week ago. He knew exactly what ring to buy, a girl can't ask for a more beautiful ring. it's been in his family for years. He also got a backup ring. I also know he asked my dad's permission and that my dad gave it to him despite both of us being young. Well, youngish. My family has always loved him, so so much. I think they'll feel equally awful after tomorrow.

I wish I didn't find the ring, maybe if I didn't have time to think about it I would have said yes. But that's not fair to either of us.

I'll miss him. I'll miss his scent, his hugs, his laugh. The way he doesn't make me feel dumb when I tell him I don't know something. He'll just explain it to me. No judgement. I'll miss the chemistry we have, how even after years of being together we still want each other just as much.

I won't miss the jealousy, the possessiveness, and the way he feels like he owns me.

When we first got together I thought I could live with his flaws. After all, I wasn't perfect too. But when I saw that ring I knew I couldn't. I want to be able to have friends even if they are of the opposite gender, I want to talk to my coworkers without someone feeling jealous or threatened. I want to someone times have a girls night. I want a relationship where my partner doesn't act possessive in the name of being protective. I want someone who won't scream at me, asking me to get in the car and leave with him just because a male friend asked me to hang out.

I get why he does it, I understand him. I love him. He's insecure and I get that. He wants to protect me but what he doesn't understand is that he's hurting me trying to do this.

I can't constantly fight and defend myself. That's not the life i see myself having. I feel like he doesn't trust me even after years of me being nothing but loyal.

I feel selfish. I promised him I would never leave him. I promised him i'd stay and love him forever. I promised we'd grow old together, start a family together. He's even trying to be better for me. But it just wouldn't be fair for him to have a wife who, even if only for a few moments, resents him. I hope he wants to continue our relationship even though i'll say no. I want keep all my promises. just not now with the way that we are.

I feel like i'm drowning. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to disappoint everyone i know.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and magically change my mind.