Update: Tomorrow, my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him and i'm going to say no.

Hello. I apologise for the very confusing way in which I worded my original post and for the late update (as you can imagine the last few days has been hard). English is not my first language and besides, I didn't even think so many people would read it. I was honestly so shocked to see so many people try and help me understand my feelings. Thank you so so very much for all the support, love and advice.

Just to clarify a few things that people found confusing:

He already had the family ring with him (his great grandmother's) but he bought one more (whole another) ring just in case I didn't like the family one. The back up ring was more modern. I assumed right in thinking he planned to propose with the family ring and then give me the back up ring as a modern alternative. Also, I am 25F and he is 26M. We have been together for 5 years (will be 6 this Christmas)

A lot of people were asking me why i'd want to stay in this relationship since I talked about how even though I was not ready to get married, i'd still want to be with my boyfriend. It's basically because I have faith in us. I want to help him and I want to try everything I can before giving up on us. I love him and his qualities and lovable quirks are so much more than his flaws. I know he had a not-so-good childhood which doesn't help with the insecurities. Rather than leave him and lose everything we had, I want to try. Of course this is all only applicable if i'm happy. I'm still prioritising myself. I just want to help him along with this too.

Okay so the update,

I ended up talking to him before he proposed. At first I was so sure that it was better to wait but a few helpful comments made me realise i'd forever ruin the magic and beauty that comes with proposals if I let him actually do it only for me to say no. So I texted him and told him to come back home from work as soon as possible. My brother knew I was telling him about my decision just in case things got messy. Not that I think my boyfriend would ever hurt me, but I was just overall very chaotic in my emotions and felt like i'd need someone with me if we broke up.

He came home, I cooked dinner and we sat together at the table. He could tell I found the ring, I knew that he knew the moment I looked at his face. I'm not sure how to best describe it in english but there was a certain sadness in the air I couldn't quite understand. Not your typical sadness. I don't know. Anyways, I told him about the ring and he asked me if the answer was yes. I couldn't speak really but he answered it for himself and said "obviously the answer is no otherwise we wouldn't be doing this".

He asked me the reason, I explained as much as I could. He listened, I cried, then he cried. Then we just held each other. He was not angry at all and now I feel guilty for thinking he'd scream at me or something. I told him I still love him and that I just didn't want to get married now. He said okay and then that he wanted to be a better person for me before calling me his wife. I asked him if that meant he wanted to try something like therapy and he said yes. He was very hurt though I could tell, it pained me to see someone I love so much go through that but this was the only option. I didn't want to get married while he was still this way.

We cried more, went for a walk, and I felt hopeful about our relationship for the first time in a while. I think we forgot that love isn't always enough (as someone pointed out in the comment section). I want to understand him more and I can see that he wants to try and be better with his insecurities and instincts. I know it will be slow, the whole process. I know he won't magically change. But i'm okay with that. I'm booking an appointment soon. We have been having more honest conversations, especially me by telling him how hurt I was by some of the things he does. It felt good to communicate like that. He opened up to me too about his insecurities and what not.

Thank you again, for validating my feelings. It felt so good to just type all this out and to have so much love and kindness. Thank you.