GENERAL

Thoughts  then...

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The end: his visions overlapping were surprising, but I undestood right away with the second one. Then he stops, this is all good, realistic. Then the very last part of the dialogue: a feeling of déjà-vu: the girl says it's ok, he doesn't wan't to tell but try to reassure her, etc. And I don't like the cliché, it's something I'm sensitive with. I wanted him to open up a little bit, but this is just me.

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Some sentences construction that can be perfect but were unusual for me: "surgeonfish floating with lazy flaps of its fins. " "Mia let out a quiet a laugh,".

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I'm struggling with my own dialogues, so when I read

>Redmond grimaced and sniggered. “Really?”

... I immediately thought, 'hmmm, is that ok?' but I really don't know, I'm curious about what others would say.

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Ater that part the conversation until the kiss wasn't that great to read, it's just the usual kind of conversation placed here so they don't get on each other right away. I wonde

Hello Bloxocubes, thanks for sharing your work.

I'll start by summarizing my impression of this scene's purpose:

Firstly, to demonstrate how the detective's line of work is taking an emotional toll on him. Secondarily, to develop Mia's character. I believe the first half, the conversation, reflects mostly Mia's opinions and perceptions, while the second half explores Redmond's trauma.

In both these aspects I think you do a satisfactory job. Your prose is clear and concise and I personally did not trip up on any odd turns of phrase or digressions, etc. The genre and style doesn't really fall within my realm of experience, but it seems to me that you're hitting the quick pace and ease of reading that is normal for popular fiction -- the thrillers and crime dramas and so on that take up a lot of shelf space in bookstores.

The major issue, for me, is that there's a lack of homogeneity (of prose and style) in the structure of this scene.  The first half is almost all dialogue. Then you 

I get some of those Sci-fi elements and crime-thiller related concepts in there; but, since the emphasis is on the character's interaction, I will focus mainly on that. I feel I need to know more about their body language during their conversation in order to get a better understanding of their dynamics. Imagery is missing. How professional/casual is their demeanor?  I mean, how long have these two known each other? 

If it is just a couple of days, the first part of the dialog works: since they don't know each other enough, so interacting  with the environment triggers a regular conversation. However, the second part feels abrupt. As you mentioned, this is not a steamy scene, and that's OK, but:

>“How do you know I’m not just good at selling myself?”  
>  
>“Your bad cop’s showing, detective.”

I have a feeling something is missing as a transition. You obviously have a specific idea in your mind for the scene and any further scenes, as well as your own writting style; but... how abou

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/13UgiZ9HqXR0qpZ103\_xlf6J4cW0U\_g9HZOxV7trXUBA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/13UgiZ9HqXR0qpZ103_xlf6J4cW0U_g9HZOxV7trXUBA/edit?usp=sharing)

For context: a workaholic homicide detective pursuing a serial killer in 2096 Brighton, UK has just come back to the apartment of a woman he's recently started dating after going out for dinner.

I'm not looking for notes on any particular elements, would just like to hear any thoughts on this particular scene.

Let me have it guys!

&amp;#x200B;

My critique: [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/r888lv/comment/hnbmi8q/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/r888lv/comment/hnbmi8q/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[952] A (Non-Steamy) Sex Scene in a Sci-Fi Crime Thriller