I fist fought my brother

So yeah it's the first time we've ever gotten physical, he's [28] I'm [25].

It started off with my mom waking me up and her starting to go through one of my notebooks, I didn't realize tell later she was doing that if I was wiritng anything suicidal or not. Which infuriates me, I can't catch a break in this house. I had an attempt last December but I can't really understand their worry because I have really bad thought blocking from the anti psychotic medications I took. Also the sever physical and psychological torture I've experienced this past year has made into a pretty degenerate, numb, destroyed human being.

My mom and brother wanted to talk because they said they were churning with anxiety and worry that I might try to kill myself because I'm not communicating with them. However, I've tried to draw this line in the sand many times. I constantly tell them I'm not willing to go out of my way to communicate with them because I'm always in pain and getting up from my bed is unfathomable at the moment. I've told them several times I'm not psychotic or suicidal and I'm just trying to get through this akathisia with as little pain as possible. But they don't seem to understand that.

It got heated, I'm pretty sure I said at one point that I don't care about their feelings. It kept getting heated and my brother said I'm about to kick the shit out of you, he got up, and I think I lunged at him and we fought. I'm pretty sure I gauged his eyes which I didn't mean to. I'm basically a zombie right now and don't have the mental capacity to think about those actions. My mom also started hitting me telling me that this is what I'm doing to the family. Every argument session now is 3 against 1 .

I did end up apologizing for it getting so heated but I don't regret what I said either.

I guess I'm just a shitty person for doing what I did.