I am sicker than a...

I feel terrible today; woke up feeling bad, and I'm just getting more miserable. Decided to start texting my wife "I'm sicker than a..." lines to help distract myself.

I'm sicker than a Jersey girl on prom night.

I'm sicker than a nun in an abortion clinic.

I'm sicker than a heroin junkie in rehab.

I'm sicker than a vegan in a slaughterhouse.

That's the best I can come up with in my weakened condition. What you got, reddit? Please make me laugh and take my mind off of feeling like shit.