A conversation I had to have with my girlfriend the other day...

I borrowed your ChapStick from you without asking Oh, and I tried out your nose hair trimmer too And by the way, your "diamond" ring is cubic zirconium I killed your goldfish accidentally, just replaced it with another one Threw up on your dog last time I had too much to drink There've been times when I peed in your sink Don't know why but you and I should agree That belongs in part three of my confessions Baby forgive me I'm still trying to figure out Why I used your toothbrush to clean off the bathroom grout Oh, and sometimes in private Really like to dress up like Shirley Temple And spank myself with a hockey stick My boss thinks I'm a jerk, didn't get that raise I haven't changed my underwear in twenty-seven days And when I'm kissing you I fantasize you're a midget Gave you buttered toast I dropped and picked up off the floor FYI, it was not a cold sore You don't know how hard it is for me to tell you this But you remember that shirt you got me for my birthday? Well, I returned it for store credit That thing was hideous, what were you thinking? Oh, by the way, I wasn't really sick last week I just didn't want to go to your stupid office picnic Oh, and when I told you at breakfast we were all out of Rice Krispies What I meant was, there was only enough left for me, sorry Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat And I lied, yes, that dress makes you look fat