My rapist texted me yesterday. After 3.5 years. Now there's something I need to do. And I need your help.

TL;DR: My ex boyfriend, who forced himself on me, texted me yesterday. I realized I need to do something to help myself, and to help others, doing what I do best (which is writing.) I want to write an researched-personal essay using my account along with scientific articles, statistics, and psychology articles discussing the definitions of rape, why victims feel shame, and in my case, even wonder if they have the right to feel that way, etc. I just have an outlined idea. But I need your help. Do you know of any respectable journals, articles, statistics, etc.?

My rapist texted me yesterday. “Ideasneedwords, if this is still your number I won’t text you again, but I just wanted to send one thing. I wanted to say sorry for the way I treated you through the relationship. It was not fair to either of us. Although it was bad, we did have good times. I remember the Linkin Park concert, Florida, and our trip to Vanderbilt. I just wanted to apologize for the way I was. I will pray for you always and you deserve great things and will receive them. Also, I was curious, why don’t you want to talk to me or be friends on Facebook? Just a curious thought. Well, have a good one, Ideasneedwords, I am not looking for anything more than to apologize.”

It has been three and half years since the night our rocky relationship turned into something that I still don’t understand.

I hate that he is still somehow a part of my life. I hate that he just turned up out of the blue a few weeks ago, messaging me on Facebook (I had him blocked, but i guess that came undone when I switched to timeline?) asking how I was doing, as if he was some fucking long-lost friend. I re-blocked him. Then I got that text yesterday.

What messes with my head so much is that I never talk about this. I've never seen a shrink about it. I've only opened up about it once (IRL) after a bottle of wine and an emotional day. I don't talk about it b/c I'm still not even sure if what happened to me was rape. He had sex with me when I didn't want it, he was angry with me b/c he thought I had cheated on him (I hadn't), he was rough and it hurt. But at the same time, since it was a fucked up relationship to begin with, I thought I deserved it. I had said "I'm not in the mood." and then tried to push him off, but didn't kick or scream or anything.... I mean, he was my boyfriend. Then after, he said "I just wanted to show you how much I love you." He spooned me while I wondered what exactly just happened. It was not until a year later that it really hit me how much that night had affected me. I had turned to an eating disorder to try and feel control over my life, I was drinking way too much, I was avoiding meaningful relationships, and dating guys who were also mentally abusive. Then, I just buried the memory. Tried to act like it never happened. I didn't feel worthy of any sort of help. I felt like I was being dramatic; that since it was not a stranger in an alley-way, that I did not have a right to be upset over it. I tried to convince myself that what happened was not rape (something I still struggle with).

I realized I need to do something to help myself, and to help others, doing what I do best (which is writing.) I want to write an researched-personal essay using my account along with scientific articles, statistics, and psychology articles discussing the definitions of rape, why victims feel shame, and in my case, even wonder if they have the right to feel that way, etc. I just have an outlined idea. But I need your help. Do you know of any respectable journals, articles, statistics, etc.?

I hope that I could get this published. I could probably get it published through my women's center at school, and who knows... maybe it could reach a wider audience. I have remained silent long enough, and I feel the need to address complicated instances like this one, where the victim is very close with their attacker. I want to combat the feeling of shame that I can only imagine other people feel as well. I want people to realize that situations like this are not uncommon (as I am recently finding). If by writing this, I can help one other person come to terms with what happened to them, help them find some sort of inner peace, or if I can make someone realize that there needs to be a change in the way sexual assault is viewed in our country, I will feel better. I will feel that all of this emotional turmoil was for something. Maybe everything does happen for a reason.