Please, tell me I matter.

I'm not attempting, but I'll be damned if the idea of not living hasn't crossed my mind consistently for the past few days.

I cry because I don't love myself. It scares me. I lock myself in my room thinking of how I'm too damn emotionally disturbed to ever be normal and have functional relationships in my life.

I'm a good person. I'm caring. I'm loving. I'm nothing. It's this constant struggle in my mind between knowing I'm this wonderful person, loved by many, and thinking I'm worthless, truly loved by none. My family hasn't been my family for God knows how long. Today, in an attempt to do something "family-like" I ate lunch with my mother. I wasn't very hungry, because I've been sad and that takes my appetite, so I ate a little and asked her to save one thing for me in particular. She said okay. I went out just now, at the urging of my friend, to eat again (even though I'm still not hungry). I open the fridge and ask where the food is and she goes, "your father and I ate it, there were only two left." I said, "but I asked you to save it for me and you said okay."

Why don't I ever matter here?

& these feelings of worthlessness leak into and poison my relationship with a great guy. I fear one day I will lose him too because I am insecure and unwell.

Help.