Post graduate, unemployed shut-in.

I got my bachelor's two years ago but since haven't been able to find a job I moved back home and I'm now back in school trying to get a science/technical degree except this time I'm taking it more seriously. The classes have been really tough and I have ADD but I don't like taking the medication. I'm really wary about my blood pressure and heart issues. Because of this, I need to reserve huge blocks of time in my day in order to study, including hours with a tutor. I force myself out of the house so that I can get my classwork done, otherwise I waste all my time sleeping, eating or getting sucked into dopamine traps.

My social life has gone to shit. I'm unemployed so I can't go out and spend money. All of my college friends are employed and living on their own and when I talk to one of them it feels almost pitying for them towards me. One of them even asked me, "Why don't you just, y'know, get a job?" with that condescending look that she has. As if it was that simple. As if they imagine me at home wasting my time and leeching from my parents. I've began dreading social invitations from them because they all involve spending money that I don't have. It involves me sitting silently listening to their work stories while they rub their noses in coke. I have nothing else to contribute; we don't share things in common anymore. We never did.

Our friendship is a relic of a past life.

Even if I wanted to invite anyone, I can't. I live with my dad; we don't talk. He's retired and never leaves the house. He's a pack rat and piles his things everywhere. If I try to clean up after him, we get in shouting arguments. I'm ashamed by this. He has no friends, a short temper, self-destructive behavior. He doesn't believe in therapy.

I'm scared that this is a glimpse into my future.

I can feel my social skills deteriorating. I used to be a really social person and never had any issues talking to strangers. It used come easy making people laugh. I used to be able to carry conversations for hours. I used to be able to make random girls smile with their playful punches on my arm. Not anymore. Conversations that I've tried to have with people can turn awkward with uncomfortable silence after the third sentence. It's like I forgot how to talk to people. These days I can go for months not talking to anyone if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I've turned into someone who I don't recognize anymore. I've lost touch with myself.

I'm a very active person. I'm at a good weight. I cook for myself so I don't eat junk. I used to tell people that when they feel down, to just exercise and that makes things better because for me, that used to work.

I don't know what happened to me.