What is wrong with me?

Hi. I have no idea how these things work, but for the last year I've been wondering if I was depressed or if it was just something else. I've created a new account for this, because some people know my username and I don't want them to find this thread. I don't know where to start, but I guess I'll try to start somewhere.

I had a great childhood, good supportive parents that gave me every opportunity to do whatever I want (financial/intellectual). But my dad always was a loner. He never had many friends, and always had something against people that were dumber than him. We lived in a small village in the Netherlands (1200 citizens) for 21 years, and he doesn't even know his neighbors. When I was younger I tried all kinds of sports (soccer, tennis, tae-kwon-do) and he was supportive that I tried something, but always talked about my peers and their families as 'stupid townfolks'. I never thought this affected me, but I guess that writing it now has to do something with my feeling now.

I'm 22 years old now, and I've been living in a different city 100 kilometers away from my parents for 3 years now. I live in a nice student house. I've got many friends (guess I should call them friends, they seem to care about me). You could call me somewhat socially awkward, but I'm not sure if that is because I'm really socially awkward, or that I can't seem to stupify myself to the level of others.

What I hate most about people is their selfishness. I guess everyone knows those guys that you haven't talked to in a while, and suddenly contact you. Starting out with "Hey man", ending up in needing something. It's fine if someone needs something from me, but please don't try to mask it with fake interest.

On the other hand, I want to feel needed. Normally I get around 10 calls a week from people needing something, or asking if I want to go do something with them. It feels good to get invited, still I rather want to turn off my phone and be in solitude. But when I dont get a call for 5 days, or hear a story from some guys that did something cool and didn't invite me, I get the feeling I'm being left out.

Shit I don't know where I want to go with this story. I guess I just want someone I dont have to lie to. I've been lying all my life to everyone. I've never told anyone how I really felt when they asked me what was going on. I've never been able to find someone that I could share my interests with. Could this be some kind of genetic thing? My dad was a loner, I become a loner? I've got all the opportunity to socialize all day long, but still I don't want to.

I've been smoking my homegrown weed for the last 6 months in high volumes. It makes me forget about everything and relaxes me. When I smoke the first 50% of the 'trip' is fun, I watch some cartoons or surf the internet. The last 50% of the 'trip' is when I start to think about all of this again. I don't get emotional (actually, I never show my real emotion, because I don't feel anything, ever) but I do start to think one thing: Why.

Why are we supposed to be friendly to other people. Why do I want to do whatever people expect from me. Why can't I just do what I want and say no to everyone. Why am I not myself.. What is wrong with me?

I don't have suicidal intentions, I do however sometimes have suicidal thoughts. Not practical, like how I would do it, just that why am I alive. We create all kinds of shit to please us, but what for. We get born, grow, develop, work, die. What for? Wouldn't it just be easier to end it all. The whole world just commits suicide. It's like I have can't think of a good reason I should be alive. I will never actually commit suicide because I can't imagine how much that would hurt my parents.

I don't know where to go with this thing, I guess it's also just trying to get it off my chest, but it felt like depression, so I posted it here and not in r/OffMyChest. I guess I'm just trying to see if someone else feels like this, and we might be able to talk about it. I'm sick and tired of 'keeping up appearances' to everyone around me.