Day Two, In Which I Lose My Mind

It's wild to me that I have put myself through the insanity of cold turkey multiple times, each time getting through it only to pick up smoking again a few months down the line. I've felt this exact way before, ready to scream and bawl and punch someone in the face and end my pathetic existence all at once. Then later all these amazing things will happen, like I can taste and smell and sing and breathe. And despite all of this, I've made the conscious decision to pick up a cigarette and start all over. WHY??? If there's anyone out there who's been quit for a while and is thinking "let's just see what it was like" or "maybe I'll just have one", fucking don't! Remember that once, you wanted this more than anything in the world, you put every ounce of your focus and energy and determination into quitting, and you put yourself through hell to get off that shit. Don't disrespect your hard work like that.

I definitely have noticably less cravings already, but I feel emotionally all over the place today. From calling my friend up in tears to tell him how much he means to me, to bawling on the phone with my mom about my fear of being weak, to barely being able to restrain myself from hurling dishes at the wall at work. Okay, more than all over the place, I feel insane. If someone were to put me in a straitjacket I'd struggle and yell but deep down I'd be thinking "You know, I see your point, buddy."

And through it all I feel like David after his dentist visit, obliviously wondering "Is this going to be forever?" Like something in my brain is broken to the point that I almost cannot fathom that this is going to get easier. I know it but I can't believe it.

I'm already pissed that, in all likelihood, my future self is going to pick up a cigarette again like an idiot. I know this isn't the right attitude to have, and that previous failures do not ensure future ones. Again, I know it but I can't believe it. I refuse, however, to let this logic talk me into giving in.

I'm gonna get through tonight, and tomorrow is a new day with new battles and new victories. I just need to find a way to help my future self remember how hard I am working right now.