I never thought I'd have to post here....

I'm going to try to make this very long story as short as possible. When I was 16, my mother tried to commit suicide and I was the one who had to rush her to the hospital. My mother and I both have issues with depression, so our relationship has never been great, and ever since I was 10 years old, my biggest fear was my mother committing suicide. So, I went through that, and our relationship over the years continued to get worse. As a kid/teenager I always looked up to my best friend's mom who, in my opinion, was the ideal mom. I to this day have not met a woman who loved her kids as much as she did, and she passed away a month after my mother's suicide attempt. So, all this happened, and I went into a pretty major depression. I lived with this for 4 years before getting help, but I did get help. I'm now 22 and my life has been pretty good. It isn't where I want it to be, but it's a work in progress, and my mentality has been much better than I ever thought it could. The only problem is still with my mother. Any time I can't bend over backwards for her, she attacks me. You guys, I'm trying so hard to be a positive and happy person, but then she starts in on me, and I'd like to say that I've held up pretty well, but this is the third time this week, and I can't deal. I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out, trying not to revert to my old mentality. I can see a belt lying on my floor and I know enough to not use it, but that doesn't mean the thought doesn't continue to cross my mind. I just don't know how to handle this. When my mother gets mad at me I do my best to handle it as maturely as I can, and I managed to do that this time, but now I am breaking. The few friends I have are unreachable, and I'm drinking to help the pain. I thought I was better. Please, SW, say something, anything, because I can't do this on my own any longer.