I don't know why I always feel this way. A description of a "normal" day in my life.

Hi fellow redditors,

I want to tell you the story of my Saturday and I just want you to tell me if something is wrong with me. Thats all. (kind of long)

Today I just got home from work and was hanging out. By hanging out, I mean bored. It was rainy out and everybody in my family was doing their own thing (my mom was watching TV in her room, my dad was watching TV in the living room, my brother was playing Skyrim, and me on my Macbook). This arrangement tends to happen a lot but I cannot help but think how sad it is that our family (and I would guess most for that matter) is happier in front of a screen than with one another. Maybe it was the pouring rain or just another Saturday with absolutely nothing to do, but I was angry at myself for some reason. Now this is not just normal anger, I genuinely hate myself type anger. I was a little agitated coming home from work because it is the only job I can get right now (picking up golf balls at a driving range) and it was raining all morning.

This first paragraph is normal "everyday" stuff. It makes me sad to say it, but I have learned to deal with lots of negativity. But what happened next is unique for me. I offered to make me and my brother some Kraft Macroni (fuck you, that's how I say it) because I was starved. I started boiling water and poured in the noodles. After draining the macroni and putting it back in to the pot, I started gathering the ingredients in a haze, not really thinking about anything. Just my lucky day, there is no milk at our house. Instead of solving the problem and just going to get milk, I just froze up. My brother started saying stuff like "why didn't you check the supplies first" and my dad as always just started yelling and making everything worse. But what really got me is when my brother said "you know why it turned out bad, it's because you were not happy when you were making it."

This simple observation made me super self conscious at first. Like always, I agreed with the insult and said "yeah, I know." The fact that he could tell that I was subconsciously pissed scares me. So fast forward fifteen minutes when my mom arrives with the milk. The noodles have just been sitting in the pot for around fifteen minutes (no way!) and they are becoming cold and sticking together. The first thing my unusually hazy brain did was to pour in the quarter cup of milk into the noodles. What I didn't realize at the time is that you always need to put the butter in first so that it melts. Once again, instead of fixing the problem like a man, I just stormed out of the kitchen like a child after everyone started yelling at me. My brother was saying stuff like "what are you doing now?" and my mom was not helping either. I just walked out of the room and laid down on my bed for around an hour, thinking negative thoughts, and then fell asleep until right now.

I don't know if this is actually depression, but whatever it is, I don't like it. The simple act of making macroni can make me lose it. What gets me is that I thought I made a nice gesture by making macroni for my brother and I but in the end I didn't even have any, just let my parents and my brother finish the macroni and shake their heads. I really have every reason to be happy, but for some reason I cannot. I always just thing stuff along the lines of "why did you drop out of college you bum? Why can't you just pick a career and stick with it just like everyone else? Everyone else is having the best four years of their life right now and you are sitting on your bed by yourself. Why don't you get a real job? Why don't I have any friends? Why have I never been in a relationship? Do girls even like me? Why did I just join a depression reddit? Isn't that in itself depressing? Do I really have depression or am I just a shitty person? Why can't I seem to get my life moving? What the hell am I doing on this planet? What can't I just be happy? Whenever I get in moods like this, I feel guilty about being a human. Everything that humans do is completely savage. We are a species that destroys everything that it comes in contact with. The whole reason that America is here is because we kicked out (sugar coated that a little eh?) the natives and took all their land. They were doing just fine here and still would be if we had not some along. All of the exploiting that takes place in poorer countries (coltan and gorillas/coffee trade/countless other things) simply for economic gain by us makes me sick. I genuinely wish I was an eagle or some other wild animal so that I could just "exist" and not worry about dumb shit that I have no control over. I also want to go explore Antarctica, Siberia, and the Tepuis of Venesuela just for the fact that there has been little, if any, human interaction with these places. Something about going there just seems "pure" to me. Just to go there and take in all that beauty would be incredible to me

Just a little background information, I am a 21 y/o male. I recently graduated from my local CC with a 3.3 in liberal arts (world's most expensive toilet paper) and still have NO FUCKING clue what I want to do for the rest of my life. My brother who is 18 y/o has recently been doing awesome at life (girlfriend/athletic scholarships/on TV/in newspaper all the time) and while I am truly happy for him, I cannot shake the feeling of jealousy that I feel over what he has. At his age, I was angry at the world and hated every minute of high school. I told myself it would get better once I graduated, but really, it hasn't. What makes it even more upsetting is that I am six foot four and have always loved sports, just chose to do stop playing everything since seventh grade. I was good too and can't help but feeling like there was a reason (depression?) that made me quit everything. I just wonder if anyone out there feels this way or if it is just me. What makes me even more concerned about the macroni incident is that I love cooking. I actually took the time to write an article on my website (hooray downtime!) telling people how to make bomb-ass omlettes on cast iron. So the rudimentary task of making macroni should be a breeze. That is what makes me question if something is wrong with me. What makes me the most depressed out of anything is that I am a good person inside. I know that I should be succeeding in life because I am a hard worker/smart. I just cannot bring myself to care about anything anymore. So I pose this question to you, my fellow redditors. Am I depressed? If so, what do I do about it? Just letting you know, if you read through this whole post, you made my day and gave me some hope for mankind. And I will give you an e-cookie.

Thanks for reading