I really need to vent.

I hope this is the right subreddit, I really need to vent. This is a throw away account.

I have never been particularly social, even as a child I kept to myself much of the time, preferring to play with my army men or Legos. I spent much of my childhood in an area with very few children my own age and though I did have a few friends, I still remember visiting a boy I thought was my friend only to realize I was gate-crashing his birthday; a birthday I wasn’t invited to. Things got a little better after we moved and all of a sudden there were a lot more children my age, I did make friends, but it was slow, and I often felt as if I wasn’t really included or welcome. A girl my age told me after some of us had been jumping on her trampoline that “nobody wants you here anyway”.

When I was around five or six my family was visiting my grandparents and I was riding in their car back to their house, the rest of my family driving our car behind us. Suddenly I became terrified that they were going to take me back to their house, put chewing-gum in the lock and lock the door, and then they were going to cut me open like a fish and pull out my intestines while I was alive and watching. I love my grandparents, particularly my grandfather; I cried so hard when he died and still tear up when I hear the song they played at the funeral. But despite this I still remember that car ride and the how angry he was when my brother punctured their waterbed. Around the time I was that age, I remember we went to a restaurant, some sort of Mexican place if I remember correctly. I think we must have misbehaved in some way because when we got back home we were spanked. To this day I don’t know why we were spanked, but I remember watching one of my siblings being spanked and wanting to crawl up into a corner where my father wouldn’t be able to reach me, obviously I wasn’t able and afterwards I stood there crying and watching my younger brother being spanked thinking that I should have been able to protect him. No-one in my family has ever mentioned this, my father once said that my older sibling is the only one that has been spanked, but that was a lie.

A few years later, when I was thirteen I hit puberty and while most kids get pimples and voice breaks I began sweating profusely from my armpits. A little while later I ran afoul a wannabe gang-banger from a neighboring school, now I am pretty sure I could have taken him one on one, but then I lacked the confidence, which was probably a good thing since he was the kind to bring along other, older, bigger kids to beat me up hadn’t he been able. Now I can’t say whether I was sweating because I was afraid of being beaten up or simply because I had hit puberty but it continued. But due to that incident and the sweating I became more and more withdrawn, staying in my room and playing video games. A few years later the same thing happened, only this time with a whole group of these trouble makers, when I tried to stop two of them from bullying a child half their age. Suddenly there were around twenty of them out to get me and a friend of mine. I tried to think of a name to call them, but I don’t know a single word capable expressing that much hate, anger, frustration, sadness, pain and humiliation.

I continued sweating, being anxious of getting attacked and continuing a downward spiral of withdrawing from social life because I was sweating and anxious which caused me to be more anxious and sweat more when I actually did go out, as a result I pretty much stayed home and always wore a sweater when I did go out, regardless how hot it was. A few months ago my brother told me that whenever he walks down the street and sees other men walking towards him, he always sizes them up as if he was going to fight them. I had never thought about it before then, but I have done the exact same thing since I was thirteen. This of course only serves to make me more anxious.
When I started high school I was quite relieved to change school and get away from everyone from my old one, I was anxious and I did sweat though it came and went, I did however manage to make friends. My best friend is from my first year of high school. I also became slightly popular, at least with the girls; my ex-girlfriend (from that school) told me that all the girls in my class had a crush on me at some point. However I had to change school after the first year, at my new school on the other hand I was nobody. At one point I actually think I only had one friend at that school, by the last year, maybe a handful. I was picked on by bigger guys and felt like an outsider throughout the entire time. Needless to say I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

After high school I worked in a clothing store, I were I’m pretty sure I was accepted. Though I still felt like an outsider, especially when we did things outside of work. This is something that really troubles me, when I have a role to play I am able do so and tend not be too socially awkward, but when I am forced to be myself I am anxious, angry, scared and sad, I often come across as hostile and I think I do this subconsciously to push people away. Subsequently I think I use a lot of personas as I find it easier to socialize if I play some sort of role. It might be because of this I feel when in public as if I am not in control of myself and I say or do something stupid causing people to draw away from me.

I joined the army after a year, and I was really unpopular both with my fellow recruits and officers, though to be fair to myself I did find it very difficult to be there. I am pretty sure my fellow soldiers hated me for at least the first four months and I know at least some of the officers hated me until I was transferred to another camp (which was probably the reason why I was transferred), but my fellow recruits did warm up to me probably when I started being myself around them. One of the guys I didn’t get along with for the longest time told me that a girl in our company had asked him if I truly was such an asshole, he had told her that she would warm up to me. Hearing that made me rather sad, as at that time the girl and I got along very well, and slightly happy for hearing him stick up for me. And I don’t know why, but typing that made me cry.

Eventually I made sergeant and was transferred to a new base with some guys I had been a recruit with. We ended up in the same company and I did get along with them, bar one. I think I played a character towards my men for at least half a year, though I did warm up to some of my colleagues, my former recruit buddies, and I rather do think we were friends. I did however feel awkward, but my colleagues/ friends seemed to be aware of this, one of them saying: “Name, you always feel uncomfortable.” And as for my soldiers, I know some of them hated me by the time I quit, while some still invite me to parties.

You are probably wondering where I am going with this. I must admit I am rather uncertain myself. After leaving the army I started university in a different country. I found two room-mates, a pretty good apartment and started studying. I think I started to make friends with my class-mates and was starting to feel pretty good. Then one of my room-mates quit and returned home leaving me with just the one. I think I feel somewhat responsible for her leaving, despite the fact that we never got along. I started to have a crush the remaining room-mate and it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach when she didn’t come home one night. I suspected her of staying the night at a guy’s place and my suspicions were confirmed when I found them in her bed. Had I not suspected they were involved I think it would have broken my heart. I really like this girl, but on the other hand I rather resent her. She is popular, attractive, happy and seemingly at ease in every social context, what I wish for myself, but unable to manage. I started withdrawing more and more, arguing with her and eventually I told her that I like her and that I am jealous. We are pretty good now, but it hurts to see them together.

While this was going on I became more and more unpopular with my class-mates, right now no-one wants to hang out with me, and evade answering my question if I ask them to do something. While standing in my kitchen I heard my class-mates / neighbors leaving their apartment, I also heard them say; “and that is why my name will never get our spare key”. I plan on confronting them tomorrow as I am fed up with no-one asking me to hang out or tag along to something. I have spent Friday and this Saturday night alone, on Reddit and I think I am depressed, have social anxiety issues and a broken heart. Help.