Hookers and women issues

I fucked a hooker tonight. It was the 6th time I've ever done it.

I thought I was over it. The other 5 were during 2009-early 2011.

I didnt think I'd do it again. My life and self esteem has improved a lot in the last year.I had a relationship for a year with a beautiful, lovely (but crazy) girl, and had a fuckbuddy arrangement with another gorgeous one.And a few random hookups.

But things have been hard recently.I havent had the balls to meet any new women.I even got in conversations with some good looking women that clearly liked me, but I didnt have the guts to ask for the phone number.Too scared of rejection.

I will fully admit I have issues with women and self esteem problems.I had some encounters with my family in the last couple of days which made me feel like shit.

I try to avoid my family because they fuck with my head.I spent the whole day today having these imaginary arguments in my head with family members, because I was trying to deal with things they had said.I frequently have dreams where I am having screaming arguments with them and even physical fights.

I am angry and resentful.They never accepted my for who I am, they treat me like a kid, and they have left a permanent voice of doubt in my head.Meanwhile I am the smartest, and most capable person out of all of them.But I'm not on the path I am meant to be on, and it's because of my family.

I am seeing a therapist.Ive made some progress, but there's a long way to go.I am trying not to objectify women, and I've even stopped looking at porn.I'm not a misogynist at all, but sometimes my dick gets the better of me.

I dont know exactly why, but I just thought seeing this hooker tonight would cheer me up.I was horny, and there's something so naughty about it that is exciting to me.

The worst thing about tonight? The girl I dated last year was a hooker.She was hiding it from me, but I found out and made her stop.In a weird way it was karma.I fucked those hookers, and then I ended up being on the other side.I learnt about her pain.And there was a lot of pain.

And I saw the pain in the girl tonight too. I knew she didn't really wanna be doing it.Whatever her reasons are for doing it, something's not right in her head either.We were both brought to that room by our own pain.

I came twice, but I didn't really enjoy it.

I'm a terrible person.